changed the background theme in pior to the coming valentines day.
spent quite few hours doin it on photoshop. open to critics, but i hope its nice. lol.

today is monday, 29th jan, which is also my birthday. came back from school at 7.30pm, didnt went out celebrate. i hav not celebrated my own birthday with anyone for some 3-4 years.. kinda sad huh.. haha.. acutally i dun really think my birthday is that important. therefore celebrating it is much more insignificant.. so what if its my birthday? its not a public holiday!

i kept thinking about yest's sermount: its not about me. its about GOD. its like.. arrghh contradicting haha..

but i just wanna thank everyone who'd wished me a happy birthday.. espicially to REUBEN, who had told me 3 times today. i had to thank him for making my birthday as one of the scariest days of my lives.. haha..

i thank god for blessing me with such wonderful friends whom, although have not been in touch for a year.. maybe because they dun wanna owe me anything.. haha. and also to my close friends whom although i didnt told them about my brithday and yet they remembered. =)

but seriously, thou its my birthday today, many things have gone thru my mind.. like flashbanks of "what if"s.. that are what i see around me that made me think of the future.

what if i passed away earlier than expected?
what if ive one day become handicapped?
what if i didnt make it to the 2nd year of my nafa studies?
what if i had contracted some incurable disease?
what if one day i couldnt support myself?
what if one day someone murdered me?
what if i had not spread the gospel to my non-beliver friends where all my church friencds have done so ?
what if one day a gigantic meteor hits earth while im still alive?
what if one day we, as singaporeans, go into war with neighbouring countries?
what if ive gone to overseas studies?
what if i went into prison for some crimes (i dont know)?

yeah.. i think too much perhaps. but to me, they all are still a possiblity, and all the consequeces affects me and my friends around me, one way or the other. what would they do? i almost got depress agn because of it.. but from another perspective view, im just tryin to think out of the box lah.. haha

well, currently im reading the Deathnote comics jing ying lent me. the manga drawings are nice, but got alot of chinese text to read.mainly because there are alot of hypothesis ( "what if"s.. nt sure i used the word correctly or not.. lol) on how both L and kira think and about how to nab the kira.

and its really like a playing a chess. many posibilities, but only 1 move. and that every move is very crucial. it makes u either in advantage, or disadvantage. prob read too mch lah.. and the way i think also like L liao.. haha..

theres this lame joke i made about it. i shall end this post with this cold joke.

someone asked me: which character do i prefer most? Light or L?
"LoL?"

get the pun? lol
yeah pretty lame haha..

my academics throughout my primary and secondary school life were very poor. its thru gods grace and mercy that he didnt put me in em3 or normal stream.. i was lucky to be in em2 and in the express stream. sometimes i just ask myself, why my academics so lan? people around me braggin about their results/ scores in school, but i would just try to aviod peoples attention if they'd ever asked me about my results.. this is probably theanswer i found myself that resulted in my poor academics skills throughout my school life..

they say eatting fish is good for the brain as it boosts the IQ power. we probably agree. since young, i had never eaten a fish before, even until now. not that i hate or dont like to eat fish. but i developed some sort of phobia in being choked by the fish bones. eating fish is fine. but being choked by the fish bone is terrible for me.. many time when i was young, i even dreamt i got choked in fish bones but its actually just my saliva.. lol.

ive eaten chicken, beef, pork, mutton, crab, prawns.. anything but fish. even in restaurants or fast food outlets, i dont eat any dish that has the word fish. yeah, thats why people dont see me eating fish burgers or fish and chips.. truthfuly speaking, ive never eaten them before.. haha..

anyway, maybe because of this, my IQ level is pretty low.. actually i think also think quite slowly.. i did the IQ test on the web before.. people get what 150+ pts, mine was like some 40+ pts... so sad.. haha..

yeah and this is also why i always run away from reciting the 'golden verses' in sunday school.
people take 3 hrs to memorise them, it'll take me 3 days to memorise them. i didnt had the time then, as i had more problems with my studies..

i didnt tell anyone about this. i always get the feeling that people would just snigger at me for being soo stupid.. arghh..

now after o levels, some people say that we should choose the course that interests us the most. agree. when people walk past me, they told me its good that i study in NAFA, as its my interest.
but what most people wont understand why i choosed NAFA.

my academic already sux liao, i would die terribly if i had choose science, or business, or engineering, or IT courses.. that is why i try to bank in design courses, as i dun really have to study anything. it just requires you to be more creative, and be able to think out of the box. Temasek Poly has the best design courses. bloody TP dun wanna take me in.. and my aggregate soo high so sux..

it is actually because i have nowhere to go that NAFa is my last choice.
not that i have a keen interest in design, okay i do have a slight interest. but anyway my artwork also not very good. in terms of ranks, im considered above average liao.. i darenot say that my design is the best, cause there still are many other people who are older than me, have more expirence than me and are much much better than me, and im competing with them.

just because i study in NAFA, doesnt mean my artwork, drawing is good. i dont really have the confidence lah.. anyway nobody thinks my designs are nice anyway..

its jus.. arghh.. nobody will understand this lah.. haaiz..
since im already on this road liao, i might as well endure on.. alone..

had been feeling quite empty for the past 2 weeks.

didnt feel like blogging, didnt feel like playin, didnt feel like going out. i just.. didnt feel like doing anything.. for 3 weeks of holiday i stayed at home pia my all holiday homeworks..

now with my holidays over, im now getting busier than before. and that emptyness is still within me.. i dun even feel like goin to school nor completing my homeworks and assignments.. its like i suddenly lose interest in everything. including church.. i even thought of not going.. but aiyah.. sianz..

it like my head's in blank everyday i wake up till the day i sleep; all im doing is homework and i dont know whats going onin the outside world. look at things and just stone there, as if im thinkin that im dying soon.. think too much makes me depress easily. prob watch too much deathnote liao.. hahaha..

hey i thinkin of making my own deathnote book leh.. no lah wont write yur name down lah.. hahaha..

i have some psychological barriers i didnt tell anyone about it. i get into depression easily, and not many know that. not even my friends in church.. is it the time for me to tell them?

my life is like a chess. there may be many possibilities to the next move, but i only get to move it once per turn. im losing because of one wrong move. its getting pretty complicated and no ones there to help me.

a friend once told me this:

"u sit at the com whole day hoping that someone will initiate a convo, When nobody does u at first accept it as normal, subsequently, u start thinking during that lonely moments, that nobody really likes you. Hence, nobody toks to you. You gauge comparisions from more popular frens. You wallow in some sort of self-pity, yet you are thinking at the back of yur mind that you know it is self-pity.

self-pity itself is bad and it puts you in a rut and you agree, yet some attempts to disengage that leaves you tired and it dosen't work, so you go back into self-pity, you subsequently get lazy to even think and drown yourself in your self-pity in that lonely parts of your life. You attempt to inject life of some sorts into it with so called laughter. Yet at the back of your mind you always know that self-pity is wrong. And it all basically repeats and it makes you think that nobody likes you and that life is a bore and That MAYBE.. Just MAYBE if you lose all contact with friends and the outside world, you will get pity and with it attention.. If NOT then it proves that you are right and that nobody likes you and you live your life in a decadent state until something interesting crops up.

so you are thus confused and tired to even comprehend the conflicting emotions and it leaves you dejected and angry. This anger translate to self-pity and, as I see it self-pity is like quicksand. The more you tread in it, the deeper you go."



damn right.
(well, i had to spend sometime digestin what he told me.. haha.)

1 more week till my holiday ends. and my life is STILL in a mess; or pherhap i shld say i dont have life. lolz.

firstly, i sleep at 4am and wake up on 1pm. well that sucks. my mum always scold me for sleepin and wakin up late. i kinda hated it too.

secondly, i would on my comp from the time i wake up to the time i sleep. and its always and forever neopets, and DotA (waarcraft 3). thats more than 12 hours of using comp. haha.. but of cause i got do abit of homework lah.. haha.

thirdly, my meals. i seldom eat breakfast. i bank in more on lunch and dinner. well maybe u guys have the same meals as me. but look at me - so thin liao only eat 2 meals a day.. and thats due to my sleepin habits that has affected my meals. and i hav no muscles on my arms, seriously.. lolz

fourthly, im a very boring person. i only get out and play once a week. no one wants to go out and play with me. its always either sch , work, or not free.. and that only day i get to go out is sunday. to church, that is. pretty sad huh..

so yeah, to get the full view of my everyday life, this is what i do everyday:

i get up at 2pm, on the computer until 3am and then go sleep. my meals are are around 2.30pm and 7.30pm. and the only times i go out and play is sunday. boring life yeah i know..

oh, how i wish someone will come into my life and spice up the way how i lived. hope it would be her.. haha..

in everything i do, for some reason i would always think of her. well, other than god, that is.
even when i cant sleep, i'll be in bed rollin about, thinkin of her. that kind of feelin ive never exprienced before. i dunno why..

*********************************

talk about her; its her bday soon.. ahaha. what shld i giv her leh? i bo luey liao leh.. zzz.. yeah so i decided to make a birthday card specially for her. and i spent the whole of december doin it. yeah, along with the dec activities when im soo shagged. for a sneak preview, this is wad i did:

i personally think the details (eyes, nose, mouth,etc) arent good enough. and thats due to that i did this whole thing in a very short one month. hey, i did the characters in freehand programme, the words in photoshop, and i had a hell time completing it. well, i'd say it couldve been better. but, aiya.. zzz.

and when i printed it out, i realise the dimensions are all wrong. damn, i had to custom make everything - the card AND the envelope. and havin studied typography, i had everything carefully planned, and everything carefully pasted. i told myself if theres even the slightest mistake then im pretty much a gonner. yea i had my expectations damn high.. hahas..

another thing is the texts in the card. the font i used is raged italics. but print out like some arial fonts. damn. the font type makes alot diff u know..

and then the most important thing ive acutally FORGOT. to ask ppl to pen down thier wish to her on the card. shit shit shit.... -.-

but i hope she likes it overall lah.. PS, if u wanna see the actual thing, ask her - thats the one and only card in the world ive made... hehe.

ahhh.. a brand new year. time to think of new year resolutions.

whatever things bad or good i had experienced for the past year, let it be just another memory of mine. lets look forward to a new begining of the year, a new chapter of life, and expect the unexpected joys and sorrows of life. or probably just another lonely year for me..

new year resolutions for me sounds the same as my birthday wish. heres what i planned to do, and what i also wished for. all these are what i deeply hoped for. nothing materialisc, and i dont even crave for them. i hope god allows them to happen.. lol

- her to get closer to god never than before
- her to be one of the 2nd gen leaders of CCRCC youth ministy.
- her to bring her friend back we've long lost
- her to put god first than any other things
- her to contribute more to the ministry.

- to find acceptance around people.
- to impact other peoples lives
- to be able to fight for the lord
- to be able to contribute to the ministry.

- to do well for my studies
- to be able to juggle well between church and school
- to see her again.

- i wanna go japan to study manga drawings
- i wanna receive presents from my close friends

- the bastard be even more bastard,
the idiot be even more idiotic
the lamer be even more lame
the fatty be even more.. erm.. thin lol