while we were still naive, i once bluntly expressed my love to a church friend.
of course i got rejected. it wasn't the kind of common, hurtful feeling.
hurt, not because she rejected me; but because of her answer. something like:

"i not good enuf for you. surely there must be some other girls out there better than me"

you might agree with it. but somehow, theres more to it. i just accpet it initially. however, as time goes by, her reply began to make me ponder. ponder over future things i'd never thought of: "what if.."

what if, every girl i met tells me the same darn thing: "there must be other girls out there better than me"?

does that mean i shall remain a loser forever? is she tryin to curse me??
the more i think about it the more kinda depress i get.

recently, i noticed she hangs out with her boyfriend. what the... shes got boyfriend!?
i am observant; i know whats goin on around me, but i try to act as much ignorant as possible - it doesnt concerns me much anyway.

something makes me wanna compare myself with that lucky chap. what has he got that i dont have - good academic results? well no, i aint gonna waste time guessing around.. God bless them. for all i care, she has nothing to do with me now.

why has it turn this way? its like whatever things i do, she's there to criticise me. im used to constuctive criticism. but given her high intellectual way of speaking, sometimes i just cant stand it. even when i ask for her comments, she just ingores me as if im not worth her time. and this will just be the one thing i, for a lifetime will be angry with. well, since im 'not worth her time', she'd might as well also not worth my time. i wouldnt look at her even if we were to make eye contact.

thats just how i used to perceive her.

now ive gotten out of that depressive period. come to think of it, i couldnt say i hate her - for God's sake we're all in the same congregation. and i do admit, she's got her good traits.

for now, i just hope we could patch things up and be friends once more; i am begining to have the feeling that she is always communicating with other people around her, EXCEPT me. athough i other church friends around me, it still felt like a sudden loneliness. probably because i didnt really talk to her much,that she treats me like a total stranger. and im very sensitve about it.

but as long as she treats me that way, i shall forever remain neutral to her.

i almost 'died' in my dream and i shared it with raymond a while ago.
i dunno how to explain. but its something that goes like this:

as i jump off, 2 questions came to me. i answered 1 of the 2 questions wrongly. i feel so yi han. and then i fell to my death. the feelin of death is like u only get to feel the pain for a couple of seconds when u hit the ground head first. after that u dun feel anything le. thats how i 'expirenced the pain'.

and i was brought to gate of heaven. den i hear voices speaking to me den somewhow i was brought back down here. den i woke up only to realise its a dream..

the feelin of death can be quite scary, seriously. while u rose up to heaven, only to see yur pile of body in a bloody mess. its like god is tryin to tell me something. but i jus dun understand wad it means. i hope its JUS a dream, not a vision of how im goin to die.

alas, im not dead yet; im still in one whole peice.
now i kinda fear of expirencing death agn when im almost home.
i dun wanna get depress about it again.. =/

life messed up. im really a nocturnal nowadays. and i havnt gone out for 4 weeks.. no one wants to go out with me.. zzz... can u belief i actually post this at almost 6am, right on Labour day.

ahh, after 6 months of searching, i finally found this rare song by Jean Jacques Burnel. i find it worth the mention here.

an ang moh who actually sang for a jap anime, Gankutsuou. this is the ending song, and i like it alot. the lyrics kinda describes my state back then, when i was in my depression. which was the reason i made this new blog. dunno why everytime i hear this song i get abit emo. lol..

to those not familiar with the anime, Gankutsuou is a story based on a fench novel, the Count of Monte Christo, incorporating elements of science fiction. the story line is almost similiar, but the ending is different.

if you have watched this anime, you will notice that Gankutsuou is unlike any other animes, as

Gankutsuō is noted for taking advantage of the potential of Photoshop textures and layering in digital animation, with the backgrounds being frequently rendered in 3D

because of the video, background music would be temporary down.
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We were lovers

Harsh words were said
and lies were told instead.
I didn't ever mean to make you cry.
But love can make us weak and make us strong,
and before too very long.
I was totally in love with you.
I bathed in you.
Lost in you, captivated by you.
Amazed by you, dazed by you.
Nothing can go wrong.
Nothing can go wrong.

So tonight I'll sing
a song to all my friends.
Also to those we won't be seeing again.
To those I knew and those I still adore
and I want to see once more.
I just pray that you will love me
and trust me.
Laugh with me and cry with me
spend those silent times with me.
Love me evermore.
Love me evermore.

You and I were lovers.
Our dreams were not soured by life.
And then my friends betrayed me
meant you never would be my wife.

Harsh words were said
and lies were told instead.
I didn't ever mean to make you cry.
But love can make us weak and make us strong,
and before too very long.
I was totally in love with you.
I bathed in you.
Lost in you, captivated by you.
Amazed by you, dazed by you.
Nothing can go wrong.
Nothing can go wrong.
Nothing can go wrong.