The pace for my work in May is getting more relaxed. that is good. or bad. Nothing to do at work is quite stressful. gotta think of something to make the world a better place. on the contrary, I still had things to do at night..

But still, the month was also a blow for me. my one and only Admission. rejected. The feeling is like breaking up. Wanna cry over it; drink some beer and drown the sorrows. Its bitter.

In the Army is one thing, but never have I ever felt so defeated before in life. I begin to doubt my own abilities to learn, to study.

Sometimes I just dont understand what God is trying to tell me, but to assure everyone to trust in him even in doubt; its tough to practice what you preach, especially so when you're going through it yourself. To give people your advice when you really need it, its pretty ironic. The feeling is terrible, yes. I am still quite distraught about that rejection. I often lament in my heart, why do I have to travel a route longer than the others? why do i have to lose out more than others?

Constantly plagued by my own doubts; that paranoia looping inside my head.

The stress is immense when I look at those around me..

these are some of my own struggles. I am just as weak as anybody. I dont know how to put my troubles to words when I meet people, sometimes I just feel like running away from my setbacks and failures, or to avoid it altogether. Tired? No, inside of me becomes hollow when I brood on it.

but whenever i come across friends whose situation much more critical than mine, I cant help but to put them priority over mine. more like disregarding my circumstances.

Aragon: I give hope to men, but I keep none for myself.

Im glad at least, I was there for them.

* * * * *

I watched The Pacific every Monday night. Death in war is a serious matter when experienced first hand. It brings out the compassion in regards to life. I can feel it somehow.

Recent circumstances have reminded me of my deceased oldest cousin, which came as a sudden shock to us some time last year, like a hurricane uprooting the whole family tree. Lost not to accident, but to sickness. The one greatly affected was of course his parent, my Aunt. As I dwell on the question when my time will come, it occurred to me that i am just the next few older cousins in line. Grieving the lost someone closest to you. I understand that feeling. The fact that he's a Buddhist, its just makes my emotions worse when I think about it.

Looking back, many things had happened in the last month, stretching my limits, juggling work, with weekend driving lessons and my part time job, with Church stuffs and not forgetting my neopets guild stuff. it is a real challenge, to juggle all these and suddenly a last minute job to somehow make the song slides magically appear. it has been a series of blows to me, lately.

I didnt really think anyone would much appreciate me, much less on my birthday, and it really turned out I had anticipated. Ive only been approached for my "usefulness", none has gone beyond that and asked about my well being. They must become more, I must become less. Truly, my time is up.

Application of Uni has closed. Ive successfully submitted an application for an Art Design Media Course in NTU. The only thing that drives me into that course is that degree in photography.

In the ordeal of preparing my portfolio, I had been quite stressful in producing quality works in my best ability and meeting the deadline submission; for I had not drawn for the two years in my NS. I am prepared to look into overseas studies, should there be a need to.

M'sian Cousins visiting us on the lunar new year week, not a good time for me because of work. still, Ive to be a good host to them. IT had been a good time. but the sad thing is, I lost my phone somewhere when I was dead tired accompanying them. I did not think it would happen to me and I regret not having a tracking app onto my device. Now Im in need of a replacement, and I do not have everyones contacts. This lesson is too costly for me to bear, one that will echo within me for quite a while.

Valentines day is not a day for me to remember. When I see a couple, I do get envious, yet feel so insignificant. When I tried to approach a girl, she would step back and avoid me. My experience has always been like this. Recently I kinda like a girl more than ever. someone from church, and Ive been dreaming more of her lately. That piece of secret I have guarded so fiercely from everyone else, for a long time. A topic i would try to avoid at all cost.

yet somehow i think it is wrong, and I have been trying to suppress that feeling. and its getting harder. 这辈子可能不结婚了。 I'll probably fill myself up with more work and driving lessons to prevent any necessary misunderstandings. yet they still want me to attend that seminar...

Daily Bread

Jan 17 - A time of Good Counsel

t is __ to read the story of Moses in exodus, where after crossing the red sea, after getting the ten commandments. and then there is this problem of too much problems to handle. I cannot imagine when a million people coming to him to help solve their problem; must be very tiring and overwhelming. Good thing there was Jethro to give him counsel to solve these problems.

Jan 15 - Each Life a Gift

This story touches me alot. "Cherish the gift of life and savor the joy of God's handiwork." age does not matter how much effort you put into cherishing the gift of life.

i am starting to appreciate those around me, to show care and concern whenever and wherever they need it. and as they grow more mature i am also starting to see changes in their lives. it makes me feel proud of them.

one thing which i think many youths considers a "taboo", is seeing a guy and girl going too close to each other, and thinks they are going together. i agree, going too close may become too hot to handle, but that is not always the case. guy or girl does not matter, if you genuinely care for the person. many of us have not reached that level yet, which often resulted in social awkwardness.

Jan 10 - Surprised by God

I have read story of of Ruth before, but i had never known the book of Ruth was a wonderful story as depicted in the daily bread. I think it would be a good book to refer to for those who are stressed out from work/ projects/ school exams, etc.

Jan 9 - Bless the Interruptions

many people hate interruptions when they are doing something. it is frustrating to know that while you are attending something important and then another bigger problem cropped up. most of us including me, respond to those interruptions with irritation, fear and doubt.

It is always like this in the army, and there are too many instances for me to put as examples. but after all back then, thanks to 3Guards, we were constantly trained for mission readiness and we have to adapt to changes quickly. as they say: "Plan as normal, cock up as usual."

well, I had learn to take things into stride, expect the unforeseen. many times our plan is not the same as God's plans. he does things in his time, and sometimes his plan is surprisingly better than ours. it takes some experience to be able adapt changes this quickly and i am glad i am able to be of help of the younger youths.

Jan 8 - Birthday Giveaway.

Our Attitude is the main thing that God sees, no matter what we are contributing; cash, services or belongings, to support the cause of Christ. there was a time when i didnt had much money to spend. and I often ask myself, how much should i give? am i giving freely and willingly?

And then i realized that giving a tithe may not necessary be money alone but can also refer to our time, and services or belongings. i have bought a dslr camera, and it is mine. but i am contributing it wholesomely to God - thats $2,000+. and as well as my services in Church. afterall, iu loved what i am doing. and i think i am already giving more than a tithe to God, and I believe many youths are also already contributing more than the "requirement".

2011 感恩

我这一年一些其中的得着。

巴厘岛游玩：一个人背包到那里，在大自然中更加亲近神。一个人筹备不容易，但这次是最顺利的。叫我吃惊的是爬山时，导游竟然是个女的！而且超壮的！

青少年营，教会生活营，教区青少年营：学习互相服侍，以及对人的态度。每个委员会成员和团队张的各个重要任务都有艰苦的地方，当事情不顺利时，要用神给的智慧来处理事，和忍耐来指导人。我也对FB TEAM 蛮感恩。因为在我领导组员时，可以从那网站拿的资料。

服兵役到六月：最大的转折点。神就用了这二年的时间来所造我，非常感恩。让我学到了许多外面学不到的东西，到海外“游玩”，接触了不同pattern的人，也尝试了那地狱般的磨练。24KM走过了。三天两夜不睡觉，6天5夜不冲凉不换衣，都做过了。。三更半夜起来接电话，2小时后要到兵营，也尝试过了。

很多时候当一个人做不到时，就会选着放弃。我也失败过，而解是失败到~。。也有一段爬不起来的时候。后来才明白，人是靠神的指导而自己走出来一条路的。重要的不是那失败， 而是我可以把自己的失败“投资”在别人的成功。牧师说过的“走过冤枉路的要如何帮助人家”之类，这才是个重点! 这二年过了还有多十年的reservist。和兵友一起走下去，所以应该感谢神！

小组：
5 个月的“假期”， 我没找工作。 这也要感谢神！很多人认为这样子过生活实在浪费世间，但其实没有事做也会stress 的！

这段期间我还真的好好思想一些圣经的话，如何用这段时间来帮助青少年事工，还有将来的打算，之类。所以似乎每晚都很难睡！尤其一件我小组的事情。。。

工作：

婚礼摄影师
全职媒体教育家；11.11.11 签合约，1月3日正式开始。