i dont share what ive shared here even with my church friends, let alone my school friends. like u know them, everytime something is said, a very suan reply shoots back. sometimes when i reveal the true emo me, but they thought i wasnt quite the usual me. no use arguing, i might as well bottle it up. what would they know? NOTHING. all they do is to lame around. i mean, its very hard to pour out the sorrows, for they're forever making joke out of everything. i doubt they could really understand how i feel, although their mouth says so. its easier to follow through what we always do than finding out new things like tellin out and being mocked. nobody likes that feeling.

as the pastor onced quoted frm the bible, "if u love god, u must first love your brothers."

does the 'love' only meant laming around together? no. jus as having a girlfriend or a boyfriend, if u love him/her, u must first understand him/her first. likewise, if you dont understand me in the first place, there wont be any 'love' between us. everybody would be at the shallow 'friend friend' relationship level, where we only get together to chat about WoW, dota, maple, etc. well i dun force people anyway if thats what they are, let them be.

ive tried to 'love my brothers" before, and im still doin it now. like whomever my friends need help, i would always try to help them whenever, however i can. u can vouch me for that right? lol. but the real question is, how many of them really treated me as a true brother? even my small bro dun really treat me as his older brother. so its kinda hard to like him. (hey im still trying. my own bro afterall lol). but really, the old things gotta make way for new stuffs - if u could even move it..

and then i turned my attention to that 'ohh-so-special' girl. to 'love yur bros' not jus meant only brother brother right? sometime i feel.. arrgghhh!! soo hard to interact with her. i do not know how is she really, but i feel that shes almost similiar to me, where she also bottle things up and spends time only with her best friend, like i always spent time with Ray (RIGHT THATS YOU) and only he knows me like my mum, inside and out.

and to my school friends. there are even people who walk pass me and didnt realized i exist in the first place. that hurts. its like i wanna greet you and u just pretend im a spirit u cant see me and continue wad you're doing. pretty sad.. i hate my life.. even until now..

haaizz.. wad to do? continue to exist loh sian..

i remember an inccident during my last primary sch years. at one time i used to go downstairs coffeeshop buy lunch for my mum every saturday, and i would always patronize the same stall. that day, there were two ladies serving, with quite a long queue beside. one was a tall young lady much older than me, the other was the mother. the younger lady wore a rather revealing clothes back then.

waitin to be serve was rather boring at that time for me. there isnt anything to do while the long wait except to see what others were doing loh. so coincidentally i was lookin at the direction of that young lady, she was scooping rice unto the plate. but i got an unexpected response frm her. she was so pissed that i was lookin in her direction that she actually scolded me - in front of the others who were queueing before and after me. being scolded infront of others was really embarassing for me.

it was kinda like a small turning point for me. i had developed a phobia of not looking at my female friends.. sometimes i feel remorse about it. whenever i looked at girls, which any other normal guys would do, i always get a feeling that i will slapped at the face by them. moreover there were other factors that made me cant really express myself infront of others. pretty much a psycological barrier huh.. but of course im straight like any other guys lah!

and then i remembered when i was sec3 one of my schoolmate was acutally started dating another girl already.. it was at that point that made me wonder: is that the right time for romance in todays modern society?

after i graduated, i went to NAFA over at waterloo street, near bugis. between my school and bugis mrt station there is a stretch of road i had to walk pass. everyday when i walk pass that junction, i see many couples about my age, or even younger, holding hands while strolling together. often i ponder the same question as ive always wondered whenever i walked by: when will my turn come?

i remember a period of time when i was a pesky brat in church.. infamous young child heh.. like i said, for some reasons, i make fun of the songs we sang, i talked and laughed when we pray, i ran away when its time for our sunday school class. there were 1 or 2 others similiar of me, but not as pai kia as me haha.

then my big aunt came to our church with my cousin. from then on, we were damn brother. we get into trouble together, we laugh together, we lame together. well, u know wad i meant. ;)

but his mum didnt like me. in fact i could tell she really hated me then. why? . everytime we go m'sia togeter (as 2 families) i havta stay in my 2nd aunts home(somewhere in the countryside and theres nth to do there), not my small uncles home, where theres my 4 younger female cousins, i can play all day long. and then my 'brother' gets to stay there. SO BIAS. well that sucks, always she the one making all the woah-so-big decisions.

anyway, i went on being the rowdy me until my PSLEs. laming around and treating the world as a joke. until one day, my big aunt really think ive become real hopeless. everyime compares me with her son - academic results. im not as good as my cousin academically loh.. and she thinks i cannot become the guai kia liao.. beyond redemtion.. lol.

well actually that WAS my turning point. so i prayed to the lord, "Lord, i wanna be a better person. help me get good results. so that my big aunt wont despise me."

hey he really does miricles man. until ive reach sec1, somehow i become guai kia. i didnt do any funny things in my new environment in church. probably because someone treated me as an adult; "be nice to me, i'll be nice to u" kinda stuff.

but not only i became guai kia - ive also became a rather shy person. why? because back then i also despise my old self and i didnt know what other people would think of me then.

my lame-power kinda greatly reduce, or probably the aura has passed to my 'brother' lol. its like i suddenly dunno when to joke, and im serious most of the time. but of course behind the scenes i do joke abit lol.

until now, i dont really know how to express myself. and my church people aways (i repeat AWAYS) overlooked what i had to say concerning a particular matter. and im always one of those who could give the best advises (its my main traits).

it hurts alot. people shone away from me as if i got diseases or someting. i dont know who are my real friends even when im in church. and they always come to me ONLY when they need my help. but has anyone ever asked about my day or how i am now? NO. i add people on msn. and people add my contact to thiers. i wonder whats the point of keeping mine. i mean, im always the one engaging converstations, not like any other people who feels like talking to me. i have 50 over contacts but none of them talked to me (including my church friends). i feel bored and lonely. my computer is the only thing that keeps me going. i may go mad soon.

because of this reason ive gone alot quieter during my upper sec years and until now. heck this. i always feel jealous about other peoples blog, where their freinds do reply on the chatbox. but when i tell mine to my friends, none. NONE of them reply. for 11 months (thats why i deleted my old blog and created something different). is it because of me? they hated me? i wonder...

nobody wants to share with me; ive yet to find my real friends yet.. people come, people go. they know my existent but they refuse find about me.

this is the real me. ive autally wept secretly because of these problems. if uve even bother to read this, i really appriciate your time. but i dont need yur sympathy. none gave me the care and concern i need away. why shld you?

once when i was in my first year in my primary school, there's this particular girl with specs in my class. with one look at her i thought to myself: nah, she'll grow up to be another nerd i know.. if i could stil remember vividly, her mum came to our church when we were about primary 3 or 4. and so, she was im my sunday school class, along with her best friend, another girl of course.

i was really a spoiled brat then. haha terrible me - making fun of everything, runing around in church, escaping from reading the 'golden verses' which i at that time hate to memorise; basically making a fool of myself and making people laugh (i shall write about it some other time)...

anyway, after a year or so, she didnt come to church. neither did her friend came. we sorta like lost contact for a very long period of time. i guess she and her friend must've really hated me then.. hahaz. anyway, i didnt care much less anyway i went on 'merry making' and 'pontaning churh'. life goes on.

of course, i matured alot over the year. when i was around sec 2 or 3, my church pastor, slvester, somehow asked her, that same girl that left the church years ago, to come back again.

when i met her again, at first i couldnt recognise her as the same person i knew before. i was astonished. she, a totally different person; from a nerd i thought she'd grew up to be, to a really really really beautiful girl. extreme makeover huh. she doesnt wear glasses now lol.

she has now changed my mindset. i wanna get close to her, i wanna know her more.
but as u know lah~ im rather a shy person now lol. i dont really know how to express myself infront of people, im more comfortable expressing over the msn where people wouldnt see me. sadly whenever i tied to engage a converstation with her over the msn, she doesnt seem interested in replying me. i dont mind really, probably because she has alot of work to do.

recently, i asked her if she's ready to do things for the lord. and she told me her problems instead. now putting love aside, i'd wish to help her to regain her faith back, so that she would get her friend back to the lord. but the problem is that i dont know how and where to start helping her. what i fear now is that the more i try to help her, the more she will try to avoid me by all means. of course, i wouldnt want that to happen. and everytime i chat with her, i get the feeling that she is tryin to avoid me. if i had did something wrong to her before, id rather take the chance to say apologise to her here, and now. (u know me.. lol)

the pastor once said," one man, one fish"
i thought to myself: if an escaped fish is caught again, is it still considered as one man one fish?

i hope one day, she would regain her faith, and be able to catch a fish. =)