The pace for my work in May is getting more relaxed. that is good. or bad. Nothing to do at work is quite stressful. gotta think of something to make the world a better place. on the contrary, I still had things to do at night..

But still, the month was also a blow for me. my one and only Admission. rejected. The feeling is like breaking up. Wanna cry over it; drink some beer and drown the sorrows. Its bitter.

In the Army is one thing, but never have I ever felt so defeated before in life. I begin to doubt my own abilities to learn, to study.

Sometimes I just dont understand what God is trying to tell me, but to assure everyone to trust in him even in doubt; its tough to practice what you preach, especially so when you're going through it yourself. To give people your advice when you really need it, its pretty ironic. The feeling is terrible, yes. I am still quite distraught about that rejection. I often lament in my heart, why do I have to travel a route longer than the others? why do i have to lose out more than others?

Constantly plagued by my own doubts; that paranoia looping inside my head.

The stress is immense when I look at those around me..

these are some of my own struggles. I am just as weak as anybody. I dont know how to put my troubles to words when I meet people, sometimes I just feel like running away from my setbacks and failures, or to avoid it altogether. Tired? No, inside of me becomes hollow when I brood on it.

but whenever i come across friends whose situation much more critical than mine, I cant help but to put them priority over mine. more like disregarding my circumstances.

Aragon: I give hope to men, but I keep none for myself.

Im glad at least, I was there for them.

* * * * *

I watched The Pacific every Monday night. Death in war is a serious matter when experienced first hand. It brings out the compassion in regards to life. I can feel it somehow.

Recent circumstances have reminded me of my deceased oldest cousin, which came as a sudden shock to us some time last year, like a hurricane uprooting the whole family tree. Lost not to accident, but to sickness. The one greatly affected was of course his parent, my Aunt. As I dwell on the question when my time will come, it occurred to me that i am just the next few older cousins in line. Grieving the lost someone closest to you. I understand that feeling. The fact that he's a Buddhist, its just makes my emotions worse when I think about it.