I enjoyed the days when people were thinking i had been idling everyday.

it was such a slow pace lifestyle, not many people get to do it. privileged i guess?

While doing work can be stressful, I think that even idling can be stressful, depending on how time is used. They have no bloody idea what i was going through. How about the term: Intense idling?

I had been spiritually productive.

Not physically productive.

Well, that does not necessarily meant I had been meditating intensely, but I had been confronting my fears, as I might put it. I realize I had been with the younger people for so long, I didnt feel like an adult at all. Actually, I had never really worked before; not even intern. I kinda didnt like working at all, and my original intention was to avoid employment for as long as I can, taking own sweet time to build portfolios, update my works, learning to write CVs and cover letters, etc. Perhaps I am too comfortable being at home all the time. (so far these 4 mths i had spent only about $200+)

In all that I do, I hate to compete with people, fighting over something; it is just not me. I didnt like these kind of art/talent/academic competitions, everything fast paced & in rush. I want to do it at my own acceptable pace. Probably thats why i tend to lose out more. But that doesnt meant i will not fight it out. If i have to, i will.

While avoiding employment, I had been thinking about experiencing life, dealings with death & apocalypse, about my finances and the future, marriage, the friends whom i call, and especially studying overseas.

Then I think about how God has been providing me, during this period. It made me focus on fostering relationship with churchies. Thinking of ways to make a difference on just one, or maybe two persons life.

I quite like this quote from Nanny McPhee:

When you need me but do not want me, then I must stay.

When you want me but no longer need me, then I have to go.

It's rather sad, really, but there it is.

The more i think about it, the more depress i get. In the end, i am still alone. I dont have the motivation anymore. not like last time. Yeah, sounds morbid.

When i look at the time, i know, my time is over. The next generation is coming up, so I might disappear anytime soon. Not because of any conflicts, but I have to.

Without me, the world still revolve, and maybe a happier place.

And when i disappear, I know, Ive already made some difference in at least one person's life. That is enough.