while we were still naive, i once bluntly expressed my love to a church friend.
of course i got rejected. it wasn't the kind of common, hurtful feeling.
hurt, not because she rejected me; but because of her answer. something like:

"i not good enuf for you. surely there must be some other girls out there better than me"

you might agree with it. but somehow, theres more to it. i just accpet it initially. however, as time goes by, her reply began to make me ponder. ponder over future things i'd never thought of: "what if.."

what if, every girl i met tells me the same darn thing: "there must be other girls out there better than me"?

does that mean i shall remain a loser forever? is she tryin to curse me??
the more i think about it the more kinda depress i get.

recently, i noticed she hangs out with her boyfriend. what the... shes got boyfriend!?
i am observant; i know whats goin on around me, but i try to act as much ignorant as possible - it doesnt concerns me much anyway.

something makes me wanna compare myself with that lucky chap. what has he got that i dont have - good academic results? well no, i aint gonna waste time guessing around.. God bless them. for all i care, she has nothing to do with me now.

why has it turn this way? its like whatever things i do, she's there to criticise me. im used to constuctive criticism. but given her high intellectual way of speaking, sometimes i just cant stand it. even when i ask for her comments, she just ingores me as if im not worth her time. and this will just be the one thing i, for a lifetime will be angry with. well, since im 'not worth her time', she'd might as well also not worth my time. i wouldnt look at her even if we were to make eye contact.

thats just how i used to perceive her.

now ive gotten out of that depressive period. come to think of it, i couldnt say i hate her - for God's sake we're all in the same congregation. and i do admit, she's got her good traits.

for now, i just hope we could patch things up and be friends once more; i am begining to have the feeling that she is always communicating with other people around her, EXCEPT me. athough i other church friends around me, it still felt like a sudden loneliness. probably because i didnt really talk to her much,that she treats me like a total stranger. and im very sensitve about it.

but as long as she treats me that way, i shall forever remain neutral to her.