the most recent news in America that almost shocked the whole world: a korean student from Viginia Tech school shot 33 people dead including himself. i think its one of the biggest trageties in america. and i feel sorry for those who didnt survive during the shooting.

many including me, would agree that his actions cannot be pardoned. imagine 33 people, almost the equivilant of one whole class - all dead. its.. scary.. however below the surface, not many would really went down and look into the background story, the reasons behind his bizarre actions.

the pastor told the youth ministy about the news that sunday. about this guy, who migrated to america while he was a kid. now, growing up in a different environment, to anyone, life could be hard. when theres language barrier; looking different from the rest - to get bullied around by people is pretty easy. and no one wants that to happen to himself.

but this poor guy had to suffer all the mockery from his previous classmates. i could almost feel sad for him.. yeah, and as he grew up he didnt let it out. he didnt really speak to people, for he feels that all the people didnt like him anyway. (i guess he almost failed his oral exams when he didnt open his mouth to talk, until when the invigilator had to actually threaten him for a F if he didnt speak.) and so finally when he couldnt stand it any longer, he blew himself up by going aound the school hurting people with a gun.

reflecting the news back at me; i feel that i am much similiar to him in some ways.

through out my secondary years, not many people spoke to me. and i didnt really socialise with people (well, except for my small circle of 3 friends). even people had mocked about me. they blamed me for all the causes. or they just treat me as i never exist at all. alot of times i feel hurt and i get depressed about it. i just cant click with people. and people just cant click with me. its.. sad. and i just tend to bottle things up. prob because of it that i failed my orals - didnt express mysef well to the invigilators...

some would disagree, that they see me as the one that jokes around. actually, thats just the outside - like a mask. they can feel a wisp of it, but people wont see my true feelings that easily. behind that mask is a much different me; a different side of me; a more emo me. just that i dont express things out bluntly.

what if. what if, one day, just like him, when i couldnt stand it any longer - would i run amuck slashing people with a knife in my hand? would i stab myself to death after i killed enough people?

i dont wanna think about the answers. its just... too frightening... =/