i havnt talked to her face to face for almost a year.. when i try to engage a conversation wif her like ask her bout her day,etc. she's pissed off by me, and even blocked me on msn. its been that way for a few mths.. it must be my fault, i am to be blamed.. but what did i do to make her angry? am i to apologise to her?

ive used to have crash on her, but ive almost forgotten what she looked like. just a vague memory for her. even if she came for service every week. i didnt even dare to look her at one glance. i keep havin the feeling that the sight of me makes her angry. prob to her im just part of the landscape or best, i dont even exist.. thats what i am. i guess im just too.. haaiz.. think im gonna go gay soon.. lol

ive put down that love a long time ago when she had some prob with god (or smt like tt). i just wanna help her. but i the more i do, the more i screw it up.. im at loss. i dont know what to do for/with her. cant bear to.. let her go.. but i know i shld.. shld i or shld i not?

if i tell it to my church friends, they'll just find it a lame thing and prob make a joke out of it.. i dont find it the right time to tell it out yet.

thats the problem that bugged me for a few weeks. the shadow in me. the emptyness in me.
i never told anybody the reason why i wanna keep long hair. the "long hair is cool" tagline is part of the reason, but with long hair, i can hid my true emotions from others. thats the main reason.

and valentines day is approaching. bloody depressed agn.. sigh.. even CNY coming, my parents also not goin anywhere.. another boring chapter of my life.. zzz

all im doin is school work to keep myself busy. only managd to play at least a game of ai dota each day.. i guess thats the way how life goes on..

and now that im about to slack for a while, project assignments are already knocking at the door.. another shitload of work to do..

wake up, work, sleep.
wake up, work, sleep.
wake up, work sleep.
no outing. no play. just.. work.

thats wad ive been doin for the past 7 weeks. even during my holidays.

what am i to do with her? shld i just try woo somebody else? even if i try i'll prob back to square one agn.. haizz.. zzzz