i remember a period of time when i was a pesky brat in church.. infamous young child heh.. like i said, for some reasons, i make fun of the songs we sang, i talked and laughed when we pray, i ran away when its time for our sunday school class. there were 1 or 2 others similiar of me, but not as pai kia as me haha.

then my big aunt came to our church with my cousin. from then on, we were damn brother. we get into trouble together, we laugh together, we lame together. well, u know wad i meant. ;)

but his mum didnt like me. in fact i could tell she really hated me then. why? . everytime we go m'sia togeter (as 2 families) i havta stay in my 2nd aunts home(somewhere in the countryside and theres nth to do there), not my small uncles home, where theres my 4 younger female cousins, i can play all day long. and then my 'brother' gets to stay there. SO BIAS. well that sucks, always she the one making all the woah-so-big decisions.

anyway, i went on being the rowdy me until my PSLEs. laming around and treating the world as a joke. until one day, my big aunt really think ive become real hopeless. everyime compares me with her son - academic results. im not as good as my cousin academically loh.. and she thinks i cannot become the guai kia liao.. beyond redemtion.. lol.

well actually that WAS my turning point. so i prayed to the lord, "Lord, i wanna be a better person. help me get good results. so that my big aunt wont despise me."

hey he really does miricles man. until ive reach sec1, somehow i become guai kia. i didnt do any funny things in my new environment in church. probably because someone treated me as an adult; "be nice to me, i'll be nice to u" kinda stuff.

but not only i became guai kia - ive also became a rather shy person. why? because back then i also despise my old self and i didnt know what other people would think of me then.

my lame-power kinda greatly reduce, or probably the aura has passed to my 'brother' lol. its like i suddenly dunno when to joke, and im serious most of the time. but of course behind the scenes i do joke abit lol.

until now, i dont really know how to express myself. and my church people aways (i repeat AWAYS) overlooked what i had to say concerning a particular matter. and im always one of those who could give the best advises (its my main traits).

it hurts alot. people shone away from me as if i got diseases or someting. i dont know who are my real friends even when im in church. and they always come to me ONLY when they need my help. but has anyone ever asked about my day or how i am now? NO. i add people on msn. and people add my contact to thiers. i wonder whats the point of keeping mine. i mean, im always the one engaging converstations, not like any other people who feels like talking to me. i have 50 over contacts but none of them talked to me (including my church friends). i feel bored and lonely. my computer is the only thing that keeps me going. i may go mad soon.

because of this reason ive gone alot quieter during my upper sec years and until now. heck this. i always feel jealous about other peoples blog, where their freinds do reply on the chatbox. but when i tell mine to my friends, none. NONE of them reply. for 11 months (thats why i deleted my old blog and created something different). is it because of me? they hated me? i wonder...

nobody wants to share with me; ive yet to find my real friends yet.. people come, people go. they know my existent but they refuse find about me.

this is the real me. ive autally wept secretly because of these problems. if uve even bother to read this, i really appriciate your time. but i dont need yur sympathy. none gave me the care and concern i need away. why shld you?