Serene Memories

2012-01-21T10:23:00.002+08:00

Daily Bread

Jan 17 - A time of Good Counsel

t is __ to read the story of Moses in exodus, where after crossing the red sea, after getting the ten commandments. and then there is this problem of too much problems to handle. I cannot imagine when a million people coming to him to help solve their problem; must be very tiring and overwhelming. Good thing there was Jethro to give him counsel to solve these problems.

Jan 15 - Each Life a Gift

This story touches me alot. "Cherish the gift of life and savor the joy of God's handiwork." age does not matter how much effort you put into cherishing the gift of life.

i am starting to appreciate those around me, to show care and concern whenever and wherever they need it. and as they grow more mature i am also starting to see changes in their lives. it makes me feel proud of them.

one thing which i think many youths considers a "taboo", is seeing a guy and girl going too close to each other, and thinks they are going together. i agree, going too close may become too hot to handle, but that is not always the case. guy or girl does not matter, if you genuinely care for the person. many of us have not reached that level yet, which often resulted in social awkwardness.

Jan 10 - Surprised by God

I have read story of of Ruth before, but i had never known the book of Ruth was a wonderful story as depicted in the daily bread. I think it would be a good book to refer to for those who are stressed out from work/ projects/ school exams, etc.

Jan 9 - Bless the Interruptions

many people hate interruptions when they are doing something. it is frustrating to know that while you are attending something important and then another bigger problem cropped up. most of us including me, respond to those interruptions with irritation, fear and doubt.

It is always like this in the army, and there are too many instances for me to put as examples. but after all back then, thanks to 3Guards, we were constantly trained for mission readiness and we have to adapt to changes quickly. as they say: "Plan as normal, cock up as usual."

well, I had learn to take things into stride, expect the unforeseen. many times our plan is not the same as God's plans. he does things in his time, and sometimes his plan is surprisingly better than ours. it takes some experience to be able adapt changes this quickly and i am glad i am able to be of help of the younger youths.

Jan 8 - Birthday Giveaway.

Our Attitude is the main thing that God sees, no matter what we are contributing; cash, services or belongings, to support the cause of Christ. there was a time when i didnt had much money to spend. and I often ask myself, how much should i give? am i giving freely and willingly?

And then i realized that giving a tithe may not necessary be money alone but can also refer to our time, and services or belongings. i have bought a dslr camera, and it is mine. but i am contributing it wholesomely to God - thats $2,000+. and as well as my services in Church. afterall, iu loved what i am doing. and i think i am already giving more than a tithe to God, and I believe many youths are also already contributing more than the "requirement".

2012-01-12T20:47:00.002+08:00

2011 感恩

我这一年一些其中的得着。

巴厘岛游玩：一个人背包到那里，在大自然中更加亲近神。一个人筹备不容易，但这次是最顺利的。叫我吃惊的是爬山时，导游竟然是个女的！而且超壮的！

青少年营，教会生活营，教区青少年营：学习互相服侍，以及对人的态度。每个委员会成员和团队张的各个重要任务都有艰苦的地方，当事情不顺利时，要用神给的智慧来处理事，和忍耐来指导人。我也对FB TEAM 蛮感恩。因为在我领导组员时，可以从那网站拿的资料。

服兵役到六月：最大的转折点。神就用了这二年的时间来所造我，非常感恩。让我学到了许多外面学不到的东西，到海外“游玩”，接触了不同pattern的人，也尝试了那地狱般的磨练。24KM走过了。三天两夜不睡觉，6天5夜不冲凉不换衣，都做过了。。三更半夜起来接电话，2小时后要到兵营，也尝试过了。

很多时候当一个人做不到时，就会选着放弃。我也失败过，而解是失败到~。。也有一段爬不起来的时候。后来才明白，人是靠神的指导而自己走出来一条路的。重要的不是那失败，而是我可以把自己的失败“投资”在别人的成功。牧师说过的“走过冤枉路的要如何帮助人家”之类，这才是个重点! 这二年过了还有多十年的reservist。和兵友一起走下去，所以应该感谢神！

小组：
5 个月的“假期”，我没找工作。这也要感谢神！很多人认为这样子过生活实在浪费世间，但其实没有事做也会stress 的！

这段期间我还真的好好思想一些圣经的话，如何用这段时间来帮助青少年事工，还有将来的打算，之类。所以似乎每晚都很难睡！尤其一件我小组的事情。。。

工作：

婚礼摄影师
全职媒体教育家；11.11.11 签合约，1月3日正式开始。

2011-12-24T23:23:00.001+08:00

All of us are still growing towards spiritual maturity. Being in cell doesn’t mean I teach, you learn. Even a leader learns something from his members. Actually, there is only one leader in the cell, and I am also a member, just like you guys. But a cell works only when everyone is together, not just one or two person. Playing a supporting role makes me learn from the member’s perspective and as well as a leader’s perspective. The more responsibilities you take, the more trust you will gain. And the more sensitive you will be, towards fellow members. Experience speaks volume.

I like the dynamics of our cell. Just as the other cells, uniquely fun in its own way, and issues of our own (cell). I observed that our cell is not as loud or quiet as some, and issues are not too light or serious as the others. Some of us are being encouraged, some trying their best in different areas. What I mean is that our cell is still growing healthily and that is good!

I am not trying to compare our cell and other cell. But where other youths have tread, learn from it; do not repeat the same mistake again.

2011-11-30T02:13:00.005+08:00

recently i realized i had been able to meditate a little, during the nights when i lie down in bed, and before i actually sleep. one of the things i brood over, was about the times being at home these few months.

the good thing about having a lot of free time is that, you are able to do many things you like; or simply laze around and not do anything. also, being able to take time to reflect on oneself, or focus on other areas outside work. however, the downside is that you will have no income, or no one has a schedule as flexible as you, and more importantly, you are alone.

i tend to compare the current times to when i was real busy in army. when i was still serving my time in Camp, i had thought that life was miserably busy, schedules were so packed i didnt had time to enjoy with friends, go hang out and stuff. i believed that life could be better if i was out of the army. then, when i had come out of it, i realized things were still the same, except the bloody opposite. i had realized that now i am very free; but my friends aren't. and im still cooped up at home.

people see me as being alone. many times, it is not that i choose to be alone; but circumstances had me to be like this. often i asked around to watch a movie, and i ended up watching alone. often i asked around to have a meal together. and i ended up eating alone. often i asked friends to hang out together, and i ended up shopping alone.

people often ask me, why do i go backpack alone. well tell me, whose schedule could have accommodate a trip for two? certain things can be enjoyed alone, but doing the same things with friends couldve be much better. sometimes i feel like a little weird, probably must be my quirky character. but tell me, have i not improved? is it the time for self-doubt?

a friend once told me, she closed down her facebook account a long time ago as it were a distraction to her. i like sharing good stuff ive come across with people, especially good photo images. however, i had been considering doing the same, but for a different cause. i had seen people whose statuses made many likes and comments. how id wished it were the same to me. but sadly i do not see the same response when i post something up. that is akin to not having an account up in the first place!

well, the fact that im still single, so im kinda used to being alone, or rather to put it in another word, not doing things together.

2011-10-31T17:43:00.002+08:00

An article excerpt from http://goinswriter.com/travel-young/

The life you’ve always wanted

When you get older, life seems to just sort of happen to you. Your youth is a time of total empowerment.

You get to do what you want. As you mature and gain new responsibilities, you have to be very intentional about making sure you don’t lose sight of what’s important.

So if you still have a reasonable amount of control over your circumstances, you should do what really matters. Because life won’t always be just about you.

During early adulthood, your worldview is still being formed. It’s important to steward this time — to give yourself opportunities to grow. A good way to do that is to travel.

So, young person, travel.

Travel wide and far.
Travel boldly.
Travel with full abandon.

You will regret few risks you take, when it comes to this. I promise you.

There are three reasons to travel while you’re young:

1. Traveling teaches you to live an adventure

When you look back on your life, you will have moments of which you are proud and maybe a few you regret. It’s likely that the following won’t be on the latter list:

· Bicycled across the Golden Gate Bridge.

· Appeared on Italian TV.

· Hiked a Mayan ruin.

· Learned Spanish in three months.

· Toured Europe by train.

They’re not on mine (fun fact: I’ve done all of the above)

What, then, will be?

· Holding back.

· Being afraid.

· Making excuses.

· Not taking more risks.

· Waiting.

While you’re young, you should travel.

You should take the time to see the world and taste the fullness of life. It is worth whatever monetary investment or time sacrifice that is required on your part.

It’s not about being a tourist. It’s about learning the importance of experiencing true risk and adventure so that you don’t have to live in fear for the rest of your life.

2. Traveling helps you encounter compassion

In your youth, you will make choices that will define you. The disciplines you begin now will be with you for the rest of your life.

Traveling will change you like little else can. It will put you in places that will force you to care for issues that are bigger than you.

If you go to southeast Asia, you may encounter the slave trade. If eastern Europe, you may see the effects of genocide and religious persecution. If Haiti, you’ll witness the the ugly side Western paternalism.

Your heart will break.

You will begin to understand that the world is both a big and small place. You will have a newfound respect for the pain and suffering that over half of the world takes for granted on a daily basis. And you will feel more connected to your fellow human beings in a deep and lasting way.

You will learn to care.

3. Traveling allows you to get some culture

While you’re still young, you should get cultured. Get to know the world and the magnificent people that fill it.

There’s nothing quite like walking alongside the Coliseum or seeing Michelangelo’s David in person. I can describe the city of San Juan and its amazing beaches and historic sites to you, but you really have to see it for yourself to experience it. You can read all the books in the world about the Great Wall of China or The Louvre, but being there is a different story.

The world is a stunning place, full of outstanding works of art. See it.

Do this while you’re still young. Do not squander this time. You will never have it again.

You have a crucial opportunity to invest in the next season of your life now. Whatever you sow, you will eventually reap.

Please. For your sake, do this.

You won’t always be young. And life won’t always be just about you. So travel. Experience the world for all it’s worth. Become a person of culture, adventure, and compassion.

2011-10-25T00:01:00.006+08:00

I enjoyed the days when people were thinking i had been idling everyday.

it was such a slow pace lifestyle, not many people get to do it. privileged i guess?

While doing work can be stressful, I think that even idling can be stressful, depending on how time is used. They have no bloody idea what i was going through. How about the term: Intense idling?

I had been spiritually productive.

Not physically productive.

Well, that does not necessarily meant I had been meditating intensely, but I had been confronting my fears, as I might put it. I realize I had been with the younger people for so long, I didnt feel like an adult at all. Actually, I had never really worked before; not even intern. I kinda didnt like working at all, and my original intention was to avoid employment for as long as I can, taking own sweet time to build portfolios, update my works, learning to write CVs and cover letters, etc. Perhaps I am too comfortable being at home all the time. (so far these 4 mths i had spent only about $200+)

In all that I do, I hate to compete with people, fighting over something; it is just not me. I didnt like these kind of art/talent/academic competitions, everything fast paced & in rush. I want to do it at my own acceptable pace. Probably thats why i tend to lose out more. But that doesnt meant i will not fight it out. If i have to, i will.

While avoiding employment, I had been thinking about experiencing life, dealings with death & apocalypse, about my finances and the future, marriage, the friends whom i call, and especially studying overseas.

Then I think about how God has been providing me, during this period. It made me focus on fostering relationship with churchies. Thinking of ways to make a difference on just one, or maybe two persons life.

I quite like this quote from Nanny McPhee:

When you need me but do not want me, then I must stay.

When you want me but no longer need me, then I have to go.

It's rather sad, really, but there it is.

The more i think about it, the more depress i get. In the end, i am still alone. I dont have the motivation anymore. not like last time. Yeah, sounds morbid.

When i look at the time, i know, my time is over. The next generation is coming up, so I might disappear anytime soon. Not because of any conflicts, but I have to.

Without me, the world still revolve, and maybe a happier place.

And when i disappear, I know, Ive already made some difference in at least one person's life. That is enough.

2011-10-24T15:53:00.014+08:00

A Regular in the army once told me this, about a certain mega church in Singapore: "there is bound to have a lot of hypocrites in the church. At least I can still use rank in the army."

He was a master sergeant.

He's damn right. Many times I felt the same way too. But I think that is just not the worth to sacrifice 20 years of friends for one bloody criticism.

The thing is, we cannot please everyone. I have tried it many times before, and failed.

I often deal with the same issues, when i was younger. I guess it was common for everyone in certain part of their growth. As for me, it took me many episodes before I began to understand what it takes to love an enemy. I have to be the change myself first. To reflect on my own actions that may have caused hurt in others, I may not be aware of. Or perhaps i did not handle correctly. That is, to be sensitive to others, other than my circle of friends.

I liked a phrase from Naturo Manga:

Its not that if you become a Hokage (leader) everyone will acknowledge you.

It is the ones that are acknowledged that can become Hokage (leader)

http://www.mangapark.com/manga/Naruto/c552/all

I believe that if I were the first, a Changed person in Character, whatever people have said are just accusations of the past. I dont have to pay too much attention to it. Naturally, they will come to realize it. But of course, to be able to clear an misunderstanding maturely would be the fastest way to solve the problem. Speaking with experience trains one to be tactful in words, to be able to handle sensitive issues with care.

I realized that to solve a situation requires both parties to communicate properly. It takes a lot of courage for an initiator to be humble, to be the one to initiate an apology, regardless right or wrong. It definitely hurts. But if the latter does not even want to communicate, then there is nothing more you can do as the other party is not willing. Thats just being immature and deserves to be council-ed..

To be able to use that same "love & concern for your friends" to someone that didn't like you/you don't like, that's a beautiful achievement.

In all things that you do, touch your heart and do it righteously. People wont find fault.

but when you go astray without knowing, the Shepard has the responsible to drag you back whether you like it or not.

Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.

Colossians 3:9-10 NIV

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what Gods will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2 NIV

2011-10-19T13:11:00.003+08:00

When we watch movies in the cinema, people often only remember two person, other than the casts: Director & Producer. and then they look into the storyline/plot. sometimes they stay behind to wait for that cliffhanger to the next sequel.

well, other than these two people, most audiences forget about the rest of crew that actually made the movie possible. it is pretty sad. films are not made by just two person alone. Steven Speilberg, James Cameron, Peter Jackson, Michael Bay wont be today without these unsung people.

while there may be alot of boring names at the end credits, but it shown for a reason. it actually shows us what kind of people, or companies that were involved in the making.

for example, if the blockbuster movie has got animations, or special effects. it shows you the what company were involved. And then you see a long list of korean names, or japanese names. The people who were involved. and then u start to realize that it actually took this much of people to make the character move. its pretty amazing.

or if the credits shows little known jobs that actually somehow contributed to the films.

or how many Makeup artists, or Editors, or Stuntmen they hired just for the film.

Imagine u worked for the film, and it shows up in the credits. but people walks out of the cinema totally disregard the credits.

so you see, watching movies is not just about story/plot/ effects. End credits are equally important as the main subject. i think that this is what makes me appreciate movies more than other people. while its easy for us audience to judge the movie is good or bad, but remember the people in the credits.

2011-09-24T15:20:00.006+08:00

Recently i realized i have a unique interest in genre of songs, perhaps no one else has similar taste as me. Being unique and diverse is good in a sense, but sometimes i get the feeling i cant relate much to others in terms of songs they listen to. I believe some of the favorite songs many people listen to are english pop songs, or maybe technos and rocks, with artistes such as GaGa, Justin Beiber, Katy Perry and perhaps that shuffling song. Chinese pop songs, say artistes Jay chou, SHE, etc.

They are all nice songs. but i dont really like English songs at all, for some odd reasons. I'd prefer songs of other languages, country, sentimental, anime-styles. and what kind of songs do i listen to, u'd might ask. well, this post is dedicated to the list of my favorites, at the moment.

Language of songs i listen to:

1) Japanese

2) Chinese

3) Hokkien

4) Korean (a bit only)

Genre:

1) Sentimental

2) Anime

3) Christian

4) Instrumental

3) Oldies (starting to appreciate)

Fav. Band:

FictionJunction YUUKA.

FictionJunction is a girl band that sings mostly for anime. the singers have strong vocals.

among the vocalists, Yuuka is by far the best and the most prettiest. i came across this band becasue of my love for Gundam Seed series.

Kalafina

This band was newly formed not long ago, with its vocalists branching out from the former FictionJunction. and the main person behind the former and the latter is none other than Yuki Kajiura. she is one of the most genius music producer in the anime industry, but not that famous outside the circle.

Chinese: Luo Zhi Xiang

I liked his songs not because he can dance well, but his song lyrics are really meaningful. he is also one of the most hardworking artiste in his industry. Growing up with him was fun.

English Band for whatever genre:

Celtic Women.

Hokkien; Jiang Hui

Most prolific hokkien singer in Taiwan. Some of her songs are easy to pick up.

Favorite Oldies Songs

城裡的月光-許美靜

Ieraishian (夜来香)

Ame no Yo no Hana (雨夜花)

Songs Currently into:

Noriko Mitose

- Hanayome Ningyo (bride doll)

- Volevo Un Gatto Nero 「黒猫のタンゴ」

- Shalom Chaverim

Noriko Mitose probably an unknown Japanese artiste, but she has christian backgrounds.

Her songs are, well, intriguing.

2011-09-14T20:08:00.007+08:00

今年的教会生活营到槟城，是第二次到那里，以往年参与过的不同。

这次是自己一个到那里游玩。在这四天三夜里，我从讲道中学习到了很多，所以就分享那时第三天的见证。

本来想用第三天去看槟城，一些地方我一直都很想去的。槟城北部的自然保护区公园里的灯塔，还有槟城西部的 balik pulau看日落。我有去过那里山上有个泰国餐馆，美景望着槟城西部。我熟系路程，所以星期天晚上睡觉前，就找了营长来谈我的计划。

可是最终由于营长以父母立场下，不放心一个人到自然保护区公园走一趟，就没去了。只是下午到balik pulau 看日落。就自己搭公共巴士到KOMTAR 让后专车到那里。不要看槟城岛小；整个路程花了2 小时从东部到西部。巴士走在上山时，里面乘客篇只有我一个人。

到了山上才发现其实餐馆在山上更上面，又爬了了1。2 公里。累死了。边爬边看着风景，又看到了那时讲员苏志青牧师提过的榴莲树有放网的，蛮有趣的。然后偶尔有车上下波，感觉自己爬的像白痴似的。

然后到了那餐馆是5 点。但为了赶回来参与赞美敬拜和讲道8点开始，只待了1 时那里，边吃晚餐，边看日落。后来要下山时，餐馆的老板，一位老伯好心，骑着摩托车带我下山等巴士回城。下波时有哪个会倒下来，会飞的感觉，还蛮刺激的。可是山下等巴士还真需要忍耐，等了40分。上巴士时，就接近8点了。我心里开始紧张，在想SIAO LIAO，赶不来，回到酒店会怎样。到了komtar，9点出，就立刻找公共电话联络营长手机报安，就是刚好又没接。之后到了酒店就接近10点了。。

虽然最后晚的信息最重要的，没赶到，但在这些事情发生当中，其实神让我操练了凭信；这营会里一直都在讨论的信息。让我真正领悟到信心的绊脚石：舒适，自我，恐惧。整个过程中，当我完全凭着信心依靠神时，心里是平安的。

只是不晓得营长在我那段时间过头时，有“凭信”吗。。

2011-09-13T14:54:00.001+08:00

hi. im back to blogspot, after some 2 years of hiatus. :)

2009-05-15T23:32:00.000+08:00

Blog under construction.

2 more weeks to NS omg!!!

2009-04-27T20:49:00.002+08:00

two more weeks. endurance is the key. :D
after that, a whole new level of game...

the letter came earlier than i expected.
now, i have so many things i want to do, but there's so little time...

first to enter. last to leave?

2009-03-03T23:35:00.001+08:00

work is killin me.
so many things to do, so little time.
so many sacrifices, so little gain.

hear my lament, O lord, for the day i fall is near.

where can i place my hopes on?

2009-02-11T01:03:00.006+08:00

Theres some of my best friends whose birthday i just wont buy any items as a present for them.
However, one thing, i would give; Something that money cant buy.
And i discovered myself, the joy of giving it, on my 19th birthday. An experience not to forget.

And this present would be, Time.

spending time with your best friends or loved ones everyday; what more could you ask?
I do not ask for materialistic things in return, because the best present i can offer you is, my time.

Ive tried spending time with as many friends as i could remember.
Because everyone of them are important to me. the drive that kept me going.

if i were your good friend, would you do the same to me?

Happy Valentines.

2009-02-01T01:30:00.000+08:00

29 jan is my birthday. =)

2009-01-25T16:29:00.001+08:00

Today is New Years Eve. =)

2008-12-30T00:48:00.005+08:00

Next Phase..

2008-10-03T00:10:00.013+08:00

Motor show 2008

thats right. ive been to the car show at suntec convention a couple days ago.

with my classmates, Muzamil, and Khyrul. both malays.

2nd day after hari raya summore.

it was a great experience thou; the stunt shows, the cars, the crowd and the babes. to me it

was a wide eye opener as ive never been such conventions before. cars never interests me

back then. after seeing this really inspired me to get a driving liscene quickly. like Muz

already got his. >_> and afterall, 8 bucks for all these was a quite steal. but ahh.. never get

the free conetto ice cream. all that glamour stole my attention. heh :P

heh, probably the only thing i regretted there was not having a slr cam. or at least memory

card thats not like 512mb.. >_>

but oh well, 2010. better car models, better babes. hopefully i have a slr cam by then. then

act like some pro photographer for an editorial mag. lol.

tamiya car.

james bond style

there are many of these different models from different eras,

but this particular caught my eye. i love the drawing.

this is another unique one.

an aquatic car that works like a submarine.

or maybe submarine without the top. lol.

it looks sleek and its textures somewhat rough yet waterproof

hmm.. i wonder which singaporean would buy this car man.

maybe prepare for future tsunamis...

Muz trying out a car.

not bad for a car model.

but why pink?!

next up is the stunt show. the pros doin the stunts.

too bad not Hamilton or Messas driving,

like Ronaldino or C.Ronaldo do for soccer..

BUT, nvm. its quite entertaining lol.

like macham my age sia. below 20 de.

this pose not too glamour. sian la.

but oh well, fishing net legs is all that counts.

reminds me of some china classmates back in year 1 lolz.

one day.

one day. lol.

one of the 2 chio-est

in my opinion at least.

well, i gets turn on by girls with long hair. lol.

there were two here. but the 2nd one wasnt there.

aiya. lidat also can lahh.

if only she pose abit more "seductivly" Lolz TvT

this one was not bad.

there were 3 here. but aiya.

the chio-est of the 3

i deleted it at the convention,

hoping i would get a better shot of her. T-T

well, you gain some, you lose some. heh :P

CHIO LAAA

*woo.. goes print A2 poster liao*

this one not bad.

but i gathered all 3 jus to save my photo mem space. haa

Credit goes to Muz. =)

aiya. camera angle la. sian.

stand so far frm model.

can tell, i also pai seh. haha

(~_~) (~_~) (~_~)

oh well thats it. Prepare for the next motorshow in 2010.

In lust i wait.. x)

2008-08-10T00:56:00.002+08:00

this is a wierd one.
i dreamt that i was getting married.
before i woke up, i dont even know who my bride is.

i cant remb rest of the details. lol.

probably because of the olympics 080808 thing on news.
so many child born, so many couples gettin married on that auspicious day..
makes me stress when would my day come. xD

2008-08-09T00:33:00.004+08:00

Festival of Praise 2008

went FoP at kallang Indoor Stadium on sat. started queing like 3pm, when the concert starts at 7.30pm..

this year's FoP was good, but last year's was still better. cause last year got Delirious and Don Moen. haha..
tis year, weve got the famous hillsong band, and also parachute band, not a band i know of.
Mark Conner the ang mo speaker, a pastor in Austallia; he's a hilarious man. but his speech was impactful.

had great time there, love the songs, but why our church so little ppl went??

CCRCC youth ROCKSAH!!!

**************

*the following day...*
Pastor's Birthday Month. hahahaha xD

2008-05-31T15:29:00.015+08:00

Yo~ im back~

went to Kular Lumpur for three days on my own, so im gonna blog about my stay over in KL!

okay, KL was far. i stopped over at my cousin's hse for the night at batu pahut, then head over to Kl the next morning. 3 hrs to Batu frm Singapore, 4 hrs to KL frm Batu. phew, guess next time anywhere KL and beyond, shld've taken a plane. lol.

okay, back to topic. when i reached KL, my impression of this city is just
like singapore, just a little run down on the buildings,and vehicles. the environment there were somewhat unlike what my relatives told me: damn crowded, alot of pickpockets, beggers, etc.

the KL bus station. its usually jammed with vehicles during the weekends. i had to walk to the bus station at around this distance. (taken when im returning back home)

a trip down the mass rapid transit, KL style. where Sg has 1 kind of MRTs, KL has 4 types; monorail, train, commuters, and MRT itself. so many names lol..

and i heard that KL train quite prone to breakdowns; between the two tracks, seems like a platform for the mrt technicians. cleaverly done. lol.

a cityscape off the edge of the city, a faint Petronas and KL tower could be seen.

as the train travels nearer to central KL. cityscape looks too nice. but aiya, nvr take night scene. so wasted. lol

a foodcourt in one of the malls in KL. if i remembered correctly, its called Mid Valley Megamall.
as i wa told, Megamall, because its bigger than the other usual malls. lol -____-

as i walked around the mall, i saw this shop. i immediately took a snapshot of it, and gave a chuckle. :D

but aiya. this shop sells guanyins and bhuddas. haha.

another mall i went went to. as i walked in, the first impression i got was: suntec city!
humph. lidat alos can link huh.. haha..

acutally, wad interested me was the stucture of the mall, rather than the shops. looks comparable to one of the buildings in suntec, its squarish, i just cant remember the name liao. haha.

and that thing on the right aint the tower of bablyon of the 23rd century. its a lift. lol

as i shopped, i somehow got nearer to the twin tower. or rather, i was brought here. lols.
by the time i got out, i finally knew which shopping mall i was at. and a perculiar name which reminded me of a malay channel in Singapore. but heck, the twin towers looks stunning.

absolutly

stunning

if only i had a slr camera. zzz..

one day i shall ascend the thron.. er i mean, tower. lol ;)

as i walked around the mall (its hot out there) scampering for supper, something caught my eyes. its already extincted in Singapore, and OMG i acutally found it here! hello to waffles and root beer. i loooove A&W!! =D

alright enuough of one whole day of shopping. time to return back to my 'hotel', a walking distance from the mrt station.. and gosh, do have any idea where is it?

from the mrt station, is a visable condo among the lowly housing estates.
nope. not tat condo. its behind it. >_<

and my 'hotel' looks like those hostel for foreign workers.. damn run down and downright dirty. but at least still fit enough to live inside.. =/

and this is my hostel. by the 2nd day and i was like: wa lau. no electricity. toilet no heater also; there wasnt in the first place. had to bath from a tank of water. and its as cold as winter in the night. had karaoke sessions there. lol still fit to live in or not??

during my stay in KL, i met a friend from peneng (a she), whom i later found out a vivid Mayday fan.

simply crazy

and then i stumbled upon a group of chinese malaysian artistes. there was a sichuan tragedy event.

some were of campus superstar, or thery made their first singles, etc, and even some were a little younger than me.

didnt interest me much. oaky, maybe the chio bus. but my peneng friend was full of awe; like never see before lol..

and beside it was a gundam model convention. this is my language. xD

mobile suit Gundam Freedom. free style.
damn nice la.

outside Petronas. beautiful. even in the morning.

i love this picture

i had a chance to ascend the twin tower. one lift which has buttons THAT much. can be quite scary; imagine lift breakdown lol.

but we tourists, were only able to go up to the bridge only. wa lao, level 41 nia. but oh well, better than nothing. (its nothing really lol)

cityscape from the bridge. quite nice acutally.

me, on twin tower bridge! :D
but aiya dunno who take, no skill one.. >_>
lol

while we return back home, there was a commotion goin on. if u'd looked clser enuf, u kow what i mean. lol

my peneng friend's condo. had a swimming pool there, so tempted to swim, soo many chio bus. zz lol..

candid shots.

yea, just chit chat in the playground. nth better to do. what time was it? 1am. lol

as i return back to my 'hotel' i saw this. thought accident sia.. wa lao park until lidat.. ahaha

my peneng friend's condo, from the same mrt station.

the last shopping mall i went before i left KL. wa piangz. theme park inside shopping mall sia. lol.

2008-04-27T18:45:00.001+08:00

on hiatus.

not sure for how long

2008-01-24T23:19:00.000+08:00

school lifes gettin into a mess.

i have not much motivation to do homeworks currently; almost on the brink of quiting school. and then my mum told me i must study hard. wad irony.
so distresssed i dun even wan tok bout it.

oh, and i just got a backstab in class. thanks. >_>

2008-01-02T16:07:00.000+08:00

its a new year today. its good to have new year resolutions at the beginning of the year. i

remembered my secendary school teachers would always help us set a target score for our

academics, thou i always fail to meet the requirements i set for myself, at the end of that year.. but

i hope this year would be different from last time, and even better.

My New Year Resolution for 2008

1)Get better school grades; at least an A for 1 subject. its depressing that i keep getting stagnently low scores.

2)Learn Jap. it has always been my interest to learn that language, eversince i graduated. but i dunno if i have the drive to keep it goin..

3)Get my Driving liscense. Im gonna take my driving lessons this year. hope i can pass by this year. lol

4)Build up my body. im so skinny and i shld go workout at the gym.. and maybe drink weight gainer..

5)Meet more new friends and make stronger bonds with my exsisting friends. expcially the younger ones..

last but not least, i wished everyone a blessed new year, and...

WORLD PEACE.

2007-12-25T17:27:00.001+08:00

天下无双

穿越红尘的悲欢惆怅

Going through across life's sadness and happiness

和你贴心的流浪

With you as a close companion, (we) wandered around

刺透遍野的青山和荒凉

Piercing through horizons of remote mountains

有你的梦伴着花香飞翔

Dreamt of you flying with fragrant flowers

今生因你痴狂此爱天下无双

Devotion to you in this life, (my) love is unparalleled

剑的影子水的波光

A sword's shadow, water's ripples

只是过往是过往

Just passing by, just passing by

今生因你痴狂此爱天下无双啊 .......

Devotion to you in this life, (my) love is unparalleled

如果还有贴心的流浪

If there is still a companion to wander with

枯萎了容颜难以忘难遗忘 ........

A withered facet is hard to forget, hard to forget

2007-12-25T01:43:00.000+08:00

Yo people! Indeed, Christmas Celebration was great. Anyway, here are some pics i took that day. oh and our Worship Band ppl, they ROCK! =D

my skywalker group photo

I hope you guys have a great day today. Have a blessed Christmas!! =)

2007-12-22T23:54:00.000+08:00

2007-12-20T22:00:00.000+08:00

Christmas is near but i have not bought myself anything, let alone others.
i made myself a short wishlist that either i have no motivation to get it, or its jus a wishful thinkin.

LOTR Elvenstar Necklace
saw 1 at suntec there, a collectors item that costs $250. and there are only a few left in Sg.

Nike Sportshoes
need a new one, as my old one's almost seasoned out.

Leather Shoes
wish i have a pair as well.

New Watch
not referin to those digital ones, but those shiny metallic watch looks soo cool lah.. the price however, so uncool..

A video Camera
think im gonna bank my studies ino filming. looks cool, but im poor.

CS or Granado Espada Game
feel like playing, wish i had the money, wish i had the time.

Friends to spend the season with
and u thought i was being too materialistic. heh.

A girl to spend my time with
heh, unreasonable wish. but hey, jabez prayer. lol. i have high expectations thou.

Of course i do know, Christmas aint just about gifts and wishlists. Its about celebrating Jesus's birthday. tats y i wanna try encourage my friends to join us in the celebration. but until now, none i asked are interested. sad.

2007-12-08T15:31:00.001+08:00

part 2

2007-11-30T16:26:00.000+08:00

part 1

went to 'work' at suntec convention hall there.
ok not exactly work but we got paid for being 'fake fans'.
and we got to see local and other asian celebrities walking down the red carpet. not to mention the media tat were beside us.
and who were we? prue & her 2 cousins, hui li, de liang, and me (frm our church tat is)
oh, did i mention, Kim walkerman (kids central) DAMN CHIO LAH lol

photos were taken by de liang, and 80% of them are blurr beyond reconition -.-"
but neverthereless ,these below are some of the best already.
PS, this is the first half; after camp den upload 2nd half. ;)

anyway, pls stay tune for the tv programme, Front, on tuesday. u may catch us there. lol :P

2007-11-17T15:05:00.000+08:00

steamboating in the middle of proj assignments. thanks, reuben. >_>
heh anyway, had a small gathering at marna bay after such a long time. and omg, i wore exactly the same clothes as i did before. LOL

2007-10-27T03:02:00.000+08:00

a month has past since i last blogged. no, i aint playing games. i havnt touch warcraft3 for 3 months and im still busy with my project assignments. just 3 weeks more!!!

today is NAFA sports day at sentosa. i reached there at 10am, and went off 2 hours later. a quarter of my class came. and thats just 5 people, including me. pathetic world.
as i was tellin ray, people go there slack and have fun, i go there do homework.. gotta take pics for one of my subs. zzz..

and sometimes, it irritates me when people asks things like: 'how's poly life?'

yeah, same age group but clearly, everyone seems to have forgotten about the minority.
nafa is NOT a poly. thus, no one really asks me about my school. thats sad.
here i am, so stress salvaging my assignment, they think that im probably havin holidays like the poly people. and they think that its just my attitude.

no way man. why must i always take the initiative and ask people to pray for me? only if i ask then they know what im doin?

the church stresses on caring for the people around you. im not seeing any improvements.
or its just me..

2007-10-14T02:34:00.001+08:00

Havnt really posted anything for a mth. gosh so busy with projects assignments these days. and now, my woes are all over! :D

anyway, had been to a couple of weddin dinners recently. one of my relative's son weddin in M'sia, while the othe's my great aunt's daughter in Sg.

the M'sian weddin

The SG wedding
the dinner's at the pan pacific hotel. heh havnt been there for a long time le.
of all the wedding diner ive attended, this one of the best wedding dinners so far. =)

2007-09-19T03:28:00.000+08:00

i feel that im always different from my friends. from school time schedule to my personality.

the only one got the worse scores for o lvl, and i feel pretty ashamed.
the only one studyin in nafa, while the rest are in poly.
the only one who studies visual arts, and dying becuase of some stupid depression.
the only long hair guy.
the only one who doesnt have much humour.
the only one who sometimes makes strange noises.
the only one who stammers, and cant communicate well with others.
the only one who feels pretty much left out and gets depress about it much often.
the only one who doesnt give much confidence for himself, because no one gives him in the first place.
the only one who feels no one first engages conversation with him, unless they need his help.
the only one whose quite unpopular with girls. prob.

i have no life, im always tied down with school work. and they seldom ask me out because of my wierd timetable scedule. im always busy when they're free. and free when they're busy. alone, i am again, spending my free time, undisturbed. .
i have not bought any shirts from shopping malls since last december. i wonder when will i ever buy a couple of shirts..

and they think its me who IS the root of all problem.
its me, its me. and so shall it be. because majority wins. and thats democracy.

i dun give shit about it anymore. they are already a fact and will always be.
why get depress about it agn and agn? hmm.. probably they think im just not treating them nicely enuf..

the world still spins; let them be what they've always been, and i'll be what i am, in my own little world, where they think they've just trampled on a little ant.

ive got God; i'll jus go whereva he leads me, and thats good enuf.
he didnt mould me to be a leader, like them, and i never was; for he had other plans...

its gonna be bloody 5am soon and i think i shld sleep..

memories of the past lingers on...

emotionally depressed

2007-08-25T23:05:00.001+08:00

okay, so i havnt updated my blog for almost a month.
so how have i been? rather stressful actually. so much homeworks, so little time. dont even have the time to rest. its like im already 'married' to homework that homework and God is are the only things in my life.. oh and coffee, our children. *say hi to latte*

and yea, i'll be surviving on those for the next three weeks. better stock up more.. they dont call me mr breadman for nth.. heh

2007-08-25T22:47:00.000+08:00

Random Pic

ah.. memories of a past.. .
jus some snapshots i didnt really wan to upload it.. or i didnt have the time; whichever comes first..

captions are for u to think about it. hey, be creative! :P

2007-08-05T13:54:00.000+08:00

FoP was nice. delirious was good. but i liked the way they put the subtitles more than the band sang. well, at least i think that tis years FoP was better than last years as n overall performance. and we had more ppl to join us for FoP, which was great.

after the concert ended something happened.
the group of us took a bus back to tampines int.
someone told me to move all the way to the back, and i stupidly did. and where were they? at the front.
trying to isolate me ah?

the journey was long. had nobody to talk to. so i went up to the top deck.
soon some of them came up.
everyone sat with each other, and began chatting. but of all things, no one sat with me.

i purposely put my bag onto my lap, hoping at least a friend would come by and sit with me. and there opposite me the two friends were chatting. at least for the half an hour of the journey..
everyone had someone to talk to, i noticed that. and me? being at the lower deck is no different than being at the top deck; why am i always being isolated?

i was soo sensitive about it, i thought about it thru out the journey. and then i couldnt stand it any longer. i got off the bus before them and went home straight.

i seriously think the prob doesnt lies with me. its THEM who doesnt wanna chat with me. why? sit with me also nth to chat? why do i always have to be the first to engage a converstation? i feel more delighted when people ask me something, and the ball kept going.

i feel very vexed about it at that moment. for some reaso i suddenly couldnt resist going to the beach, scream at the top of my lungs, or give me something that i could vent my anger on.

i dont wanna talk to people.most probably no one will also alk to me. i didnt wanna go church after that. at least for that short period.

everyime after church i would always wait for them to finish their jammin or song practice and that they will go out eat or something. i look very stupid, in the sense that i have nothing to do, and im waiting for them to finish?

i got a msg related to all youth worship team ppl. at that instant i felt angry about it. im not part of them worship team and why has been sent to me? its like: although im not part of the worship team in any way(cant sing, cant play instru), but i HAVE to stay and loiter around, waitin for them to finish?

i didnt want to go church now. but as im typing, something made me feel that i shld still be with them, no matter wad.

2007-07-30T10:18:00.000+08:00

alot has happened during the last to weeks, be it in church or in school. such as gainin new friends.
but more of them are jus something that i wanna cry out loud in despair.

i like friday because weekends coming.
saturday is a lonely day for me.
i dread sunday, because mondays coming.

prob thats how i live my days for now..

that sunday, a couple of church friends wanted to watch the new harry potter movie, but they nvr joo me.. of course they didnt know i havnt watch it yet, but did it came to their mind that the first thing before watching a movie is to reach out to the other ppl around them and ask, "hey, we're goona watch this movie , wanna join us?"

the next weekend; someones celebrating his birthday. ben was there. ray was there. matt was there too. so were his whole class (or so i heard). all but me. why was everyone invited but me? as good friends, i thought at least they would've thought about me and tell me.. and i was alone to spend the that saturday, waiting for matt and kaki to get online and 'fellowship'.

oh, but they didnt know how long i waited. ive been staring at the comp, waiting for people to get online since 3pm till 2am. but no one was there. i saw joyce, matts sis was online till late. i wanted to ask her bout her bro. i guess he went out the whole day and must be sleeping already.
i didnt. its like sayin 'hi' to her and asking something else that isnt related to her, kinda rude huh.. i only knew about the celebraion the next day when matt told me about it.

what are my thoughts?
werent they my only group of good friends, and still are?
who wouldnt invite his best friends to the party?

maybe i wasnt a good friend enuf (to him).
or maybe he didnt really regard me as some of his good friends.

why, people said i had to open myself up. truly, i did tried. but i dont think the prob lies with self. id rather think the problem really lies in the people around me. as in they themselves didnt really open up to me. at least thats how i feel. u might think its a trivia matter. but im just as sensitive as a comp mouse.

well, whatever the reason is, think about it more only makes me more depress.. zZz..

2007-07-23T19:40:00.001+08:00

wow. havnt post anything for a month. had been slacking alot. the reason im posting something here is because hoilday has just ended, and sch finally start le.

orientation for NAFA year 2 student is unlike any of poly schs, that has activities and lame games. it suxs, and is it a waste of time. why?

it says we're to meet at the seminar hall by 9am, and attendence is compulsory.

the whole thing lasted for an hour nia. they only brief us on our yr 2 course.
den the card reader which we're suppose to tap to get our attendence marked, attendence not ready yet.
den we were like: wah lao, den we might as well dun come loh... =_=

what a waste of time.
but well, at least class is starting tom. time to die.. lol..

2007-06-27T19:00:00.000+08:00

so long nvr blog le.. lol..
well, ive been tryin to make a new blog during the june holidays, and i shall tok bout the cambodia trip over there.
hope i can complete it before my sch starts lol..

anyway, we were suppose to have some party over at ke xin's house. den we found out brian's birthday is coming. so we decided to celebrate his birthday. lol

DIY cake. er.. u wouldnt wanna know the ingrediants....

yeah.. den we had some pizzas.. pelican pizza.
wow, i havnt had a pizza for about 2 yrs+ lol..

2007-06-08T18:14:00.000+08:00

phew.. jus came back from M'sia. so tiring. lol.
i didnt know there were some youths who joined the camp.
so sad poly ppl cnt go.. haha..

ive been to the church youth camp for so long, i havnt seen the girls more violent than the boys. esp iris; anyhow kick ppl one (with her sandals on).. pain sia..

food was nice. for all three days. but i dread siting in the same table all the time..
reminds me everytime my relatives hold a weddin dinner i always sit with my cousins - the 'kids' table..

and then some retard had water for his meals. the one who drank the most also visited the toilet the most.

the seminar was inspiring thou. i enjoyed the sharing session. but somewhat boring.. lol..

shopping session. ive been to the shopping malls in Batu, so it didnt really interest me much. but this was the firsttime i walked over to Summit Mall. lol.. time spent there was quite short thou. yea, den had to 'guide' ppl around the area.. no time to buy my own things.. luckily i bought shirts on sunday, just before the camp started.. hehe.. :P

more about the camp @ Katerinal Hotel, Batu Pahat (pics):
www.oowen001.blogspot.com

pls comment here. thx. =)

2007-05-23T02:52:00.000+08:00

while we were still naive, i once bluntly expressed my love to a church friend.
of course i got rejected. it wasn't the kind of common, hurtful feeling.
hurt, not because she rejected me; but because of her answer. something like:

"i not good enuf for you. surely there must be some other girls out there better than me"

you might agree with it. but somehow, theres more to it. i just accpet it initially. however, as time goes by, her reply began to make me ponder. ponder over future things i'd never thought of: "what if.."

what if, every girl i met tells me the same darn thing: "there must be other girls out there better than me"?

does that mean i shall remain a loser forever? is she tryin to curse me??
the more i think about it the more kinda depress i get.

recently, i noticed she hangs out with her boyfriend. what the... shes got boyfriend!?
i am observant; i know whats goin on around me, but i try to act as much ignorant as possible - it doesnt concerns me much anyway.

something makes me wanna compare myself with that lucky chap. what has he got that i dont have - good academic results? well no, i aint gonna waste time guessing around.. God bless them. for all i care, she has nothing to do with me now.

why has it turn this way? its like whatever things i do, she's there to criticise me. im used to constuctive criticism. but given her high intellectual way of speaking, sometimes i just cant stand it. even when i ask for her comments, she just ingores me as if im not worth her time. and this will just be the one thing i, for a lifetime will be angry with. well, since im 'not worth her time', she'd might as well also not worth my time. i wouldnt look at her even if we were to make eye contact.

thats just how i used to perceive her.

now ive gotten out of that depressive period. come to think of it, i couldnt say i hate her - for God's sake we're all in the same congregation. and i do admit, she's got her good traits.

for now, i just hope we could patch things up and be friends once more; i am begining to have the feeling that she is always communicating with other people around her, EXCEPT me. athough i other church friends around me, it still felt like a sudden loneliness. probably because i didnt really talk to her much,that she treats me like a total stranger. and im very sensitve about it.

but as long as she treats me that way, i shall forever remain neutral to her.

2007-05-10T02:34:00.000+08:00

i almost 'died' in my dream and i shared it with raymond a while ago.
i dunno how to explain. but its something that goes like this:

as i jump off, 2 questions came to me. i answered 1 of the 2 questions wrongly. i feel so yi han. and then i fell to my death. the feelin of death is like u only get to feel the pain for a couple of seconds when u hit the ground head first. after that u dun feel anything le. thats how i 'expirenced the pain'.

and i was brought to gate of heaven. den i hear voices speaking to me den somewhow i was brought back down here. den i woke up only to realise its a dream..

the feelin of death can be quite scary, seriously. while u rose up to heaven, only to see yur pile of body in a bloody mess. its like god is tryin to tell me something. but i jus dun understand wad it means. i hope its JUS a dream, not a vision of how im goin to die.

alas, im not dead yet; im still in one whole peice.
now i kinda fear of expirencing death agn when im almost home.
i dun wanna get depress about it again.. =/

2007-05-01T05:19:00.000+08:00

life messed up. im really a nocturnal nowadays. and i havnt gone out for 4 weeks.. no one wants to go out with me.. zzz... can u belief i actually post this at almost 6am, right on Labour day.

ahh, after 6 months of searching, i finally found this rare song by Jean Jacques Burnel. i find it worth the mention here.

an ang moh who actually sang for a jap anime, Gankutsuou. this is the ending song, and i like it alot. the lyrics kinda describes my state back then, when i was in my depression. which was the reason i made this new blog. dunno why everytime i hear this song i get abit emo. lol..

to those not familiar with the anime, Gankutsuou is a story based on a fench novel, the Count of Monte Christo, incorporating elements of science fiction. the story line is almost similiar, but the ending is different.

if you have watched this anime, you will notice that Gankutsuou is unlike any other animes, as

Gankutsuō is noted for taking advantage of the potential of Photoshop textures and layering in digital animation, with the backgrounds being frequently rendered in 3D

because of the video, background music would be temporary down.
--------------------------------------------------

We were lovers

Harsh words were said
and lies were told instead.
I didn't ever mean to make you cry.
But love can make us weak and make us strong,
and before too very long.
I was totally in love with you.
I bathed in you.
Lost in you, captivated by you.
Amazed by you, dazed by you.
Nothing can go wrong.
Nothing can go wrong.

So tonight I'll sing
a song to all my friends.
Also to those we won't be seeing again.
To those I knew and those I still adore
and I want to see once more.
I just pray that you will love me
and trust me.
Laugh with me and cry with me
spend those silent times with me.
Love me evermore.
Love me evermore.

You and I were lovers.
Our dreams were not soured by life.
And then my friends betrayed me
meant you never would be my wife.

Harsh words were said
and lies were told instead.
I didn't ever mean to make you cry.
But love can make us weak and make us strong,
and before too very long.
I was totally in love with you.
I bathed in you.
Lost in you, captivated by you.
Amazed by you, dazed by you.
Nothing can go wrong.
Nothing can go wrong.
Nothing can go wrong.

2007-04-23T00:57:00.000+08:00

the most recent news in America that almost shocked the whole world: a korean student from Viginia Tech school shot 33 people dead including himself. i think its one of the biggest trageties in america. and i feel sorry for those who didnt survive during the shooting.

many including me, would agree that his actions cannot be pardoned. imagine 33 people, almost the equivilant of one whole class - all dead. its.. scary.. however below the surface, not many would really went down and look into the background story, the reasons behind his bizarre actions.

the pastor told the youth ministy about the news that sunday. about this guy, who migrated to america while he was a kid. now, growing up in a different environment, to anyone, life could be hard. when theres language barrier; looking different from the rest - to get bullied around by people is pretty easy. and no one wants that to happen to himself.

but this poor guy had to suffer all the mockery from his previous classmates. i could almost feel sad for him.. yeah, and as he grew up he didnt let it out. he didnt really speak to people, for he feels that all the people didnt like him anyway. (i guess he almost failed his oral exams when he didnt open his mouth to talk, until when the invigilator had to actually threaten him for a F if he didnt speak.) and so finally when he couldnt stand it any longer, he blew himself up by going aound the school hurting people with a gun.

reflecting the news back at me; i feel that i am much similiar to him in some ways.

through out my secondary years, not many people spoke to me. and i didnt really socialise with people (well, except for my small circle of 3 friends). even people had mocked about me. they blamed me for all the causes. or they just treat me as i never exist at all. alot of times i feel hurt and i get depressed about it. i just cant click with people. and people just cant click with me. its.. sad. and i just tend to bottle things up. prob because of it that i failed my orals - didnt express mysef well to the invigilators...

some would disagree, that they see me as the one that jokes around. actually, thats just the outside - like a mask. they can feel a wisp of it, but people wont see my true feelings that easily. behind that mask is a much different me; a different side of me; a more emo me. just that i dont express things out bluntly.

what if. what if, one day, just like him, when i couldnt stand it any longer - would i run amuck slashing people with a knife in my hand? would i stab myself to death after i killed enough people?

i dont wanna think about the answers. its just... too frightening... =/

2007-04-19T17:42:00.000+08:00

(almost two weeks nvr post le.. busy slacking mah.. hahaha.. )
i missed the last days in sec sch.. much has happened that changed me from what i was, and into what i am now (chim huh). espicially one of those memorable days were when i had art class every week.

art class i had was a 3 hr long lesson. in my class of 16 art students, half of them dropped art and were free to do whatever they want. reuben was one of them. heheh. yeah, i had to agree, yur art really sux. haha. but prob because he dropped art, and was very free to do whaever he wants, that he could sit down beside me and talk to me while i having a stressful time completing my drawings. sometime we would chat about what we would do after school, where we shld go after that, or some other funny stuff.. least i could destress a bit. lol.
i still remb a time when art was just after recess, that we would buy some snacks and smuggle them into art class. hahas.

and then the art teacher was pretty easy on us. Mr Gopal!!
haha the days where he made fun of us and we made fun of him back..
fancy callin his students, fools, toadstools, mr panic, goon-du, etc..
and then he, as we made fun of him, mr hitler. xD

but those are just some of the fun moments we had. the more serious side was that we had to complete our batik projet in 10 mths and there was another batik teacher frm outside that would come down and mentor us. but nobody liked her as her attitude was terribly terrible, and she keep giving us stress (everytime come in, scold and scold). somemore we still had to see her face every sat, where we would come back to the art class and continue our project.

some of us, becuase of her, that were force to drop art as well. lucky for me i didnt had to drop, although i had to redo my batik the second time.

theres also a time where we were soo busy rushin our batik that no one notice the wax was already boiling. seeing smokes rising from the boiling wax, i put down what i was doing and went over to switch off the heater, while nick would run around shouting for mr gopal.. and then when mr gopal comes back, only to praise me, calling me a 'hero' while callng nick stupid.

i was like: diao... -__-
hahaha...

and then when the school started the night class for us o level students. once the servants in charge of overseeing us (other than a HOD maths teacher) reopened the art room for me, that i would again continue our project until 9pm. of course what i did was 'illegal', and not mr gopal nor the principal was suppose to know about it. but he eventually knew about it when me and rachel went into the art room after school hours, again..
damned. hahahas....

but mr gopal was a very nice teacher lah. he didnt tell the principal anyway..
sometimes he would give me a teachers day water bottle, or some chocolate sticks frm spain.
so nice!!!

prob because of him that influenced me to continue in persuing my arts? lol.

2007-04-06T15:38:00.000+08:00

to me, the number 23 is really a spooky number i just cant avoid not matter wad. it seems that i always see that same number wherever i go, and almost everyday. and i had even began to notice 23 way before the movie came out. thus, 23 on my fav list on the right -->

let see the interesting facts:

1) home telephone number contains "23"
postal code: 5.2.0.8.0.8 = 23
(5+2+8+8)

2) of the 100 contacts in my msn, there are 92 people i know (exclude those with multiple contacts)
92 / 4 = 23

3) my school admin no. contains "23"

4) my sec sch register used to be 23

5) my O level result was 23

6) the first day when i joined neopets was a "23"

7) the blogID currently is 35"32"5203

8) there are 69 jap anime songs in my music lib
69/3 =23

9) my house area has the bus no. 69,15, 8, 23 518, 291, 293

69 / 3 = 23
15 + 8 = 23
23 itself.
2+ (9x3) = 23

10) there were 92 pics in my cam.
92/4 = 23

11)the street where i use to go rays hus overnight is street 23

12) the Hikaru No Go manga i bought has 23 volumes.

13) the a4 paper i just bought has the no. 23

14) one of those 291 buses has its plate number contained "23"

15) my ave kills in dota 6.38 ai is 23 with venom.

16) one of those movie tickets i still had was a seat no. 23

17) one of my friends i know birthday is falls on jan 23.

18) the movie: the number 23 came out. and ive watched already. and
the time it started was around 6.23?
the time i came back after watching tt movie was 11.32.

19) the mayans think the dooms day would be 2012. i'll be 23 then.

20) there are 23 files in my documnt folder. ( i didnt touch it for months)

21) my i upgraded my neopets shop size to 32 ( excluding 2 Random events that made my shop increase its size)

22) my display pic on msn is a pic of 23.

23) there are 23 points in this post.

23 reasons why im fated with this number. now, some other interesting facts about
"the number 23":

This is the 23rd project Joel Schumacher has directed.

The character Fingerling plays a saxophone, an instrument which has 23 keys on it.

Dr. Sirius Leary's office is number 318. 31-8 is 23, (3×8)-1 is 23.

The number 23 was part of a license plate of a car in the movie.

The hotel that Sparrow writes his book in is called King Edward Hotel. Using a system where A = 1, B = 2, and so on, the hotel's name adds up to 156. There are 13 letters lit in hotel's sign (the letters O and T in hotel are burnt out), if 156 is divided by 13, the result is 12. 12 and 13, or without the first digits of each number, 23. Another method to derive 23 is by adding the values of only the lit letters in King and Edward, and the unlit letters in Hotel, so that King is 41, Edward is 55, and Hotel is 35. If the sum of the digits of each of these numbers is taken, the result is 5, 10, and 8, which add up to 23.

The letters in the dog's name - Ned - if properly transformed by an alphanumeric cypher, add up to 23 as well. 14 (N) + 5 (e) + 4 (d) = 23.

The numbers on Walters's car add up to 23 (906 8HT)

The numbers on Issac's car contain 2 and 3

The store front numbers that Fingerling is standing in front of while watching Fabrizia & Phoenix add to 23 (12, and 110).

The film was released in the US on Febuary 23, 2007.

The number of Walter Sparrow's footlocker 87305 = 23 (8+7+3+5)

The PO Box that Carrey and his family mail the boxes to is "P.O.Box 977". 9+7+7 =23

The address of the bookstore is 599. 5+9+9=23.

Walther's room at the asylum was 318. 31-8=23.

The last time Jim Carrey and Joel Schumacher worked together was in "Batman Forever." In that film, Carrey's character (the Riddler) also showed an obsession for numbers, which he used to represent letters of the alphabet in his riddles. The numbers were 1, 8, and 5. Batman figured out that 1 and 8 were meant to be 18. 18 + 5 = 23. The number 23 is a W, and in "Batman Forever" there is a scene of Carrey underneath a W (the gate outside Wayne Manor).

2007-03-30T22:29:00.000+08:00

i seriously wonder what we're waiting for....

2007-03-27T18:08:00.000+08:00

i went back to M'sia (mum's side) to attend a wedding dinner. unfortunately, not mine. ray, who was supose to come, was unable to attend because of some passport issues.

and so i sat with my cousins, the 'childrens' table. 7 girls. heh, how lucky can i get?

we were served with beverages, and some crackers as soon as we sat down. i drank wine. the rest drank coke. heh small children...

the first dish of the wedding dinner. prob the best one of all. lol.

and then came the yam seng part. my relatives - the adults side.

another cousin of mine. only a year older than me. drinks wine also. only both of us are the 'uncles' of the 'childrens table..

heh, they looked more like an item than cousins. his hiarstyle forever same.. :P

my cousin with his mum, my 2nd aunt behind. the couple in front are the newly weds. smts wrong with the weds? yeah i know, keep the comments to yourselves.. im not close to them either.

me, taken by me. no lah. by some kid... they think my cam wad - toy ah.. haha.. even my cousins (the girls) asked me if i had rebond my hair... yeah and some of my relatives say i looked more like some big stars.. wth wads wrong with me lol.

**************************************************

after the dinner we stayed over at my cousins house. that night the adults played blackjack while the children played tai di from 11pm to 4.30am. practically everyone in the house is gambling. WTH???

the next morning...

my ber ku's (dunno how to translate, but is my relative lah.. lol) art studio. and everyones playing his comp. im not even interested. nope, no dota, CS, or gunbound. not even internet. just those super low quality cd-rom games. even his photoshop is stil version 5.5. wth wads wrong with everyone lol.

his small comp room got so crampy, some went out watch tv...

the girls all very suay bian hoh.. look at the legs.. lol.

and so i decided to play a fool.. can u spot which pair of legs are mine? wahahahah xD

2007-03-21T22:56:00.000+08:00

i once had 3 good friends. lets call them Friend A,B,C. Friend A was kinda a highly inteligent dude. Friend B was kinda his sidekick, who likes to joke about. Friend C was kinda of the ruffian type,(he better not hear this lol).

all of them, the came from rich family backgrounds, except for me who lived in HDB flat, and we've been to each others homes before.

the first CCA id ever joined was boys brigade. i joined partially becuase of thier influence. we were pretty much together until one fateful day...

Friend C started to tell the other two friends the negative side of me. probably because he feels that im from the "lower class society" that he started pulling the toher two friends away from me. and whenever i spoke to friend A and B, C would jus say sacarstic things about me, and all the attention fell all on him. it went on for monts. i felt that i was insignificant in the eyes of my friends. even these 3 guys were quite popular with the girls in my class at the time. nobody gave a dman about me then. i was pretty much alone.

this was my downfall. my very first despression. heh, i was primary 5 then. i didnt tell anyone, not even my parents.

this incident made me thought about the meaning of true friendship for quite some time.. and as u know me, the more i think, the more depress i get. and it carried on to my pri 6 year. when i was in pri 6 practically none of my classmates spoke to me. well, perhaps only when they need my help.. becasue of this ive even thought of suicide before.. until finally i couldnt stand it any longer, i decided to seek help from auntie mureen, one of those church people whom i often see in school then. she was the one who consulted me. i had to thank her for that.

she made my three friends aware of my situations, and she told me what i could do in those situations. subsiquently i got better from my depression. but my relationships with my friends wasnt any better. i was still partially depressed about the friendship, even after my PSLE. it affected my PSLE badly, but thank god i was able to enter into the express stream.

me and my friends broke up since then. friend A and B went to a very good victoria sec school, while friend C and i in SHSS (we didnt contact in anyway even though we were in same sch, same level.)

even when i was in my sec years the days were pretty sad for me, i didnt had any real friends i could lean on. even my friends from church. they see me as a glum person, but they couldnt detect my problem. i didnt want to tell them, as i felt the time wasnt right. it only makes me more depress if i tell them then.

even until now, i still kept it from them. the only person i told was uncle mark. all i hinted to them was that i cherish friendship more than anything else, and i fear rejection. as for wheather they could understand how i feel, either they read my blog, or they wait until the day i told them everything...

2007-03-16T23:54:00.000+08:00

after 3 weeks of stress, 96 hours of sleepless nights, 8 cans of coffee, and prob 10 hours of greuling assessment.. i just woke up from my deep slumber (24 hours of sleep actually).

the time has come.. the day everyone has been waiting for. 4 months of holiday. wahaha.. it just feels great. or maybe not..

gosh now i havta think wad im gonna do during my 4 mths break.. everytime when im busy, the worlds free. and when im free the world is busy. where my holiday just started, everyones march holidays ending soon.

sounds like i just have to spend the time doing things alone. i will prob just sit at the comp desk and get stressed from thinking too much like i always do. and soon get depressed again..

*sigh* because of these times of assessment periods, im almost too used to not sleepling. now i cant sleep at night for nuts.

pherhaps its time to revise on my "purpose driven life" agn.. hahaha..

2007-03-12T02:25:00.000+08:00

72 more hours to submission.

everything is almsot done. excpet for flash animation. unless ive got extra time, i plan to drop it. fail tat module. why? there isnt much time left, and its bloody time consuming. im not good with flash anyway.. but arghh.. the cost for retaking the module pains me.. x_X

why isnt anybody prayin for me? i dont get any motivation at all. except that all the limelights on someone whos goin into the army. well, wish him luck. as for me, life just sucks. had been too careless these few days; unknowingly lost someones memory card. damned. during my previous assessments i even lost someones digital cam.
stupid loss of sleep.

well, thats all i have to say. what the heck am i babbling...
now, get on with work...

2007-02-26T21:36:00.000+08:00

whatever things i do someone will be always be bad in the eyes of others. there are just too many to remember. take the most recent for example.

on one particular module of my course, where im suppose to do magazine layouts for my assignment project. for that week, im suppose to show my lect 5 spreads (1 spread =2 pages) of thumbnail sketches of magazine layouts.

to a classmate who only showed her a sketch and prob 2 magazines, she gave a go ahead sign. and yet to another classmate who did 5 thumbnail sketches from the SAME article, her tone was like "ok, can. do 2 more sketches of different genre and show me."

i didnt have time, we hadto complete 6 other projects in 2 weeks time. i did 4 from the same magazine. 4 of 5 skethes, which was still considered acceptable. and what was the lects response?

"i see only ONE thumbnail. where are the REST? NO, you're doin it all WRONG! these thumnails are about the same. i want to see 4 different thumnail pictures. you only have 2 weeks left, how are u goin to complete it?"

whats wrong with me? whats wrong with her?

SHE'S BIAS.

the previous week, we're (+ my other 2 classmates) suppose to hand her our resume design. because of one bloody fat printer guy, who took an hour to print 3 peices of a3 paper, that we had our marks downgraded. and often she sees the upper half of the class (mixed class) more than the lower half (my class). because of her, our (my class) projects are often neglected. again,

SHE'S BIAS

*******************************************

and then the 10 march booklet. dx told me to do the cover. i did it.

just before CNY he sent me the contents in Words, and told me to tell the rest " MAYBE thurs go pasir ris park reccey - not confirm yet"

that sunday he didnt reply my msg. it wasnt confirmed, so i didnt tell the rest. only until late monday night after i just got out of malaysia frm visiting relatives, then he reply me.

what? just because i didnt tell them, its my fault? hey, its your job to co-ordinate them not me. besides, u didnt even reply my msg. i only told de liang thurs go reccey, not confirmed. okay, let it rest. least we still got some time to inform the rest. (ended up we had to meet up on sat afternoon)

the next day i told matt to do the schedule, as im too busy with assignments. he told me he busy the whole week, including weekends. look, sometimes u've just gotta sacrifice abit of time to do something else more important. since no ones free, naturally i had to take over the job, since its all with me. nvm. i just need to re-shedule my time.

as i was goin thru the contents, i immediately told him after i spotted some loop holes in dx's design:

1. he didnt include a back cover.
2. there were insufficient pages to make into a booklet.
3. his language in the text are too informal. (i didnt tell him this because it can easily be changed)

yet, he didnt reply. again, i had to take it into my stride.

the schedule was easy. jus add in some simple, yet fancy designs and thats it. the greatest advantage was tat its black & white. i did it in about 45 mins. the pics are handdrawn on computer.

and now whats left are the song lyrics. it was prayers night that friday night. dx msg me to discuss about the booklet after the prayers. i had to rush down from sch to to attend the prayers, and also because chuan dao told me to return the song booklet with i unecesserily took it. i was at the office, tryin to bug zhao hao for the song lyrics. where was he?

his msg came after that. vaugely: "relax. sunday then come and do"

that message alone tells me he just doesnt have the sense of urgency to complete the booklet - he's too relax; kinda like toms A lvl, and he's doing last minute revision.

me, as a budding artist/designer, rushing for deadline is considered very common already. heck his msg, i stay up the whole night and did the rest of the booklet for about 6 hours. after i completed the booklet at 6.30am, and after 3 hours of sleep, i had to rush to church to oversee the booklet getting published. pretty much similiar to my last sem's asessment period - very hectic lah.. it took me 2 hours+ to get it done. after leaving the printing to cai hong, i STILL have to rush to Pasir Ris park for the reccey. and then right after than had to had dinner at my relative's house.. haai.. rao le wo ba... T-T

okay. then came sunday. yeah, i know.. i overslept - woke up at 2.30pm.. lol..

now wad? another msg frm dx. vaguely "u only had to do the front cover. u shld leave the rest of the booklet contents to me. i suppose to come on sunday to get it all printed."

i left the paper foldings to the rest. i told ray to msg the rest to come at 11.30am to do. 1hr 30 mins with a 30 min luch shld be able to finish 60 sets before the service starts. and did they come? NO.

he said to me i shld leave the rest to him. i alone came out only the contents in 6 hrs. he, who isnt familiar with the process of publishing, wad makes him think he could finish EVERYTHING in 2 hrs?

hey, publishing a book isnt something that u could get it all done in ONE whole day.

it mainly takes 3 person to make a book possible: the authur, the illustrator, AND the publisher.

i try to make him realize his problem, wad i can do, what i cannot do, but he thinks im bending my fustration on him.

[i]Its more than a misunderstanding [/i]
[br]
im doing 3 person job. im not complaining that im doing everything alone. i can cope it because i can MANAGE my time well. let alone u, who's still watinig for results, and not working. but wad he said to me that day really puts me off. when one hears it he could feel he's being condemned.

*************************************************************

well, im used to it anyway. no one really appreciates me in whatever things i do.. ya, they praise me, and thats about IT. even my ex teachers and my lects put it that way, what more can i say? im not that great anyway..

jus a memory, who cares, get on with life..

hell i took 4 hours to write this whole thing.. sian 4hrs can do alot of hw sia.. ok gtg get on doing my assignments liao. think of it dun feel like doin it.. zzz.. until my next post

2007-02-15T22:05:00.000+08:00

gah.. sick on valentines day..
wanted to spent the night alone along the singapore river.. just take a stroll, refresh myself and to view the night scenery.. but aiyah.. sian..
had been working too hard on my assignments projects that i sleep for 4 hours everyday, and finally came down with flu on wed. a days work delayed. many homworks left undone, still. haaiz..

what does valentines day meant to me? i dont wanna think too much about it. or i'll get more depres frm thinking too much.. lol..
hav been tryin to immerse myself with heaploads of work. could prob say i fell out of love.. and long hair comes in handy for one of these days.. heh.. well, at least there the other friendship day. haha.

and now, chinese new year is coming. truthfully speaking, i dont really have the mood to go out and celebrate. i only have 2 weeks more to prepare to hand in my assignment projs. since im not goin back to malaysia, i dont intend to go out anywhere - nvr go out play, nvr go out buy new clothes... just stay at home and continue workin on my assignment.. well i'll be spending the next few days at home unless my mum pulls me along.. or somebody joo me out..

and i dont have to go back school for five consecutive days. great time for me to catch up my works.. call me a nerd or a mad dog.. for all i care..

still.. bloody depress....

2007-02-09T22:31:00.000+08:00

i dreamt of her again. at this kind of time, most unlikely, but i did it.. i wonder how i did it.. wierd. lol
if i could still remb wad i dreamt of..

the settings in a maze of shops, in the morning, where most shops have not opened yet. i hear voices of laughter of 7 people in front of me. 5 of my closest friends in church, plus the other 3 girls the same "sunday sch level" as us. >_>

we were lost, and we're walking somewhat blindly around, with loads of laughter at the front.

i was lacking behind everyone else, distracted, as though im depress. (actually i think i dreamt i WAS depress! xD) they didnt really notice me at the back, but they just kept on walking.

and she, the 2nd last person of the group. i dreamt that i see her as a cheerful, lively girl, much different from the same girl i knew before. everyone turned at a left corner. me, still deep in thought.

she, the only one who sense that someone of the group was missing. suddenly, her head popped out of the corner and looked at me. deep in thought, i looked up at her. she winked at me, smiled back and said," com'on, faster catch up with us!"

at that instance, i felt differently. kinda of spirit-filled feeling. (aiya dunno how to describe lah.. happy feelin can liao. lol)

i ran forward to that corner. the next thing i know she was at the other end, another right corner, smiling and waving at me. i ran towards her direction as she slowly moved away frm that spot. after i reach there, she was yet at the other end, this time a left corner. the other people at the front were like forever infront of her, couldnt see them anymore but coud still hear their sunds of laughter. as i run again at that instance, i woke up. end of my dream. just like that...

one of my many wierd dreams, but actually also the first to be written down here. least this dream got me an impact big enuf for me to pen down. i wonder what i will do next. lol

(PS i realize i was late for sch after i woke up. forgot to set alram clock, nad my mum didnt wake me up.. haha)

2007-02-03T17:46:00.000+08:00

i havnt talked to her face to face for almost a year.. when i try to engage a conversation wif her like ask her bout her day,etc. she's pissed off by me, and even blocked me on msn. its been that way for a few mths.. it must be my fault, i am to be blamed.. but what did i do to make her angry? am i to apologise to her?

ive used to have crash on her, but ive almost forgotten what she looked like. just a vague memory for her. even if she came for service every week. i didnt even dare to look her at one glance. i keep havin the feeling that the sight of me makes her angry. prob to her im just part of the landscape or best, i dont even exist.. thats what i am. i guess im just too.. haaiz.. think im gonna go gay soon.. lol

ive put down that love a long time ago when she had some prob with god (or smt like tt). i just wanna help her. but i the more i do, the more i screw it up.. im at loss. i dont know what to do for/with her. cant bear to.. let her go.. but i know i shld.. shld i or shld i not?

if i tell it to my church friends, they'll just find it a lame thing and prob make a joke out of it.. i dont find it the right time to tell it out yet.

thats the problem that bugged me for a few weeks. the shadow in me. the emptyness in me.
i never told anybody the reason why i wanna keep long hair. the "long hair is cool" tagline is part of the reason, but with long hair, i can hid my true emotions from others. thats the main reason.

and valentines day is approaching. bloody depressed agn.. sigh.. even CNY coming, my parents also not goin anywhere.. another boring chapter of my life.. zzz

all im doin is school work to keep myself busy. only managd to play at least a game of ai dota each day.. i guess thats the way how life goes on..

and now that im about to slack for a while, project assignments are already knocking at the door.. another shitload of work to do..

wake up, work, sleep.
wake up, work, sleep.
wake up, work sleep.
no outing. no play. just.. work.

thats wad ive been doin for the past 7 weeks. even during my holidays.

what am i to do with her? shld i just try woo somebody else? even if i try i'll prob back to square one agn.. haizz.. zzzz

2007-02-03T01:06:00.000+08:00

ive just realise im a fan of luo zhi xiang.
abd he's coming to Singapore soon!!! =D

ahh shit.. an idol... xD

2007-01-31T22:51:00.000+08:00

changed the background theme in pior to the coming valentines day.
spent quite few hours doin it on photoshop. open to critics, but i hope its nice. lol.

2007-01-30T01:37:00.000+08:00

today is monday, 29th jan, which is also my birthday. came back from school at 7.30pm, didnt went out celebrate. i hav not celebrated my own birthday with anyone for some 3-4 years.. kinda sad huh.. haha.. acutally i dun really think my birthday is that important. therefore celebrating it is much more insignificant.. so what if its my birthday? its not a public holiday!

i kept thinking about yest's sermount: its not about me. its about GOD. its like.. arrghh contradicting haha..

but i just wanna thank everyone who'd wished me a happy birthday.. espicially to REUBEN, who had told me 3 times today. i had to thank him for making my birthday as one of the scariest days of my lives.. haha..

i thank god for blessing me with such wonderful friends whom, although have not been in touch for a year.. maybe because they dun wanna owe me anything.. haha. and also to my close friends whom although i didnt told them about my brithday and yet they remembered. =)

but seriously, thou its my birthday today, many things have gone thru my mind.. like flashbanks of "what if"s.. that are what i see around me that made me think of the future.

what if i passed away earlier than expected?
what if ive one day become handicapped?
what if i didnt make it to the 2nd year of my nafa studies?
what if i had contracted some incurable disease?
what if one day i couldnt support myself?
what if one day someone murdered me?
what if i had not spread the gospel to my non-beliver friends where all my church friencds have done so ?
what if one day a gigantic meteor hits earth while im still alive?
what if one day we, as singaporeans, go into war with neighbouring countries?
what if ive gone to overseas studies?
what if i went into prison for some crimes (i dont know)?

yeah.. i think too much perhaps. but to me, they all are still a possiblity, and all the consequeces affects me and my friends around me, one way or the other. what would they do? i almost got depress agn because of it.. but from another perspective view, im just tryin to think out of the box lah.. haha

well, currently im reading the Deathnote comics jing ying lent me. the manga drawings are nice, but got alot of chinese text to read.mainly because there are alot of hypothesis ( "what if"s.. nt sure i used the word correctly or not.. lol) on how both L and kira think and about how to nab the kira.

and its really like a playing a chess. many posibilities, but only 1 move. and that every move is very crucial. it makes u either in advantage, or disadvantage. prob read too mch lah.. and the way i think also like L liao.. haha..

theres this lame joke i made about it. i shall end this post with this cold joke.

someone asked me: which character do i prefer most? Light or L?
"LoL?"

get the pun? lol
yeah pretty lame haha..

2007-01-28T21:40:00.000+08:00

my academics throughout my primary and secondary school life were very poor. its thru gods grace and mercy that he didnt put me in em3 or normal stream.. i was lucky to be in em2 and in the express stream. sometimes i just ask myself, why my academics so lan? people around me braggin about their results/ scores in school, but i would just try to aviod peoples attention if they'd ever asked me about my results.. this is probably theanswer i found myself that resulted in my poor academics skills throughout my school life..

they say eatting fish is good for the brain as it boosts the IQ power. we probably agree. since young, i had never eaten a fish before, even until now. not that i hate or dont like to eat fish. but i developed some sort of phobia in being choked by the fish bones. eating fish is fine. but being choked by the fish bone is terrible for me.. many time when i was young, i even dreamt i got choked in fish bones but its actually just my saliva.. lol.

ive eaten chicken, beef, pork, mutton, crab, prawns.. anything but fish. even in restaurants or fast food outlets, i dont eat any dish that has the word fish. yeah, thats why people dont see me eating fish burgers or fish and chips.. truthfuly speaking, ive never eaten them before.. haha..

anyway, maybe because of this, my IQ level is pretty low.. actually i think also think quite slowly.. i did the IQ test on the web before.. people get what 150+ pts, mine was like some 40+ pts... so sad.. haha..

yeah and this is also why i always run away from reciting the 'golden verses' in sunday school.
people take 3 hrs to memorise them, it'll take me 3 days to memorise them. i didnt had the time then, as i had more problems with my studies..

i didnt tell anyone about this. i always get the feeling that people would just snigger at me for being soo stupid.. arghh..

now after o levels, some people say that we should choose the course that interests us the most. agree. when people walk past me, they told me its good that i study in NAFA, as its my interest.
but what most people wont understand why i choosed NAFA.

my academic already sux liao, i would die terribly if i had choose science, or business, or engineering, or IT courses.. that is why i try to bank in design courses, as i dun really have to study anything. it just requires you to be more creative, and be able to think out of the box. Temasek Poly has the best design courses. bloody TP dun wanna take me in.. and my aggregate soo high so sux..

it is actually because i have nowhere to go that NAFa is my last choice.
not that i have a keen interest in design, okay i do have a slight interest. but anyway my artwork also not very good. in terms of ranks, im considered above average liao.. i darenot say that my design is the best, cause there still are many other people who are older than me, have more expirence than me and are much much better than me, and im competing with them.

just because i study in NAFA, doesnt mean my artwork, drawing is good. i dont really have the confidence lah.. anyway nobody thinks my designs are nice anyway..

its jus.. arghh.. nobody will understand this lah.. haaiz..
since im already on this road liao, i might as well endure on.. alone..

2007-01-24T00:28:00.000+08:00

had been feeling quite empty for the past 2 weeks.

didnt feel like blogging, didnt feel like playin, didnt feel like going out. i just.. didnt feel like doing anything.. for 3 weeks of holiday i stayed at home pia my all holiday homeworks..

now with my holidays over, im now getting busier than before. and that emptyness is still within me.. i dun even feel like goin to school nor completing my homeworks and assignments.. its like i suddenly lose interest in everything. including church.. i even thought of not going.. but aiyah.. sianz..

it like my head's in blank everyday i wake up till the day i sleep; all im doing is homework and i dont know whats going onin the outside world. look at things and just stone there, as if im thinkin that im dying soon.. think too much makes me depress easily. prob watch too much deathnote liao.. hahaha..

hey i thinkin of making my own deathnote book leh.. no lah wont write yur name down lah.. hahaha..

2007-01-17T00:13:00.000+08:00

i have some psychological barriers i didnt tell anyone about it. i get into depression easily, and not many know that. not even my friends in church.. is it the time for me to tell them?

my life is like a chess. there may be many possibilities to the next move, but i only get to move it once per turn. im losing because of one wrong move. its getting pretty complicated and no ones there to help me.

2007-01-16T00:29:00.000+08:00

a friend once told me this:

"u sit at the com whole day hoping that someone will initiate a convo, When nobody does u at first accept it as normal, subsequently, u start thinking during that lonely moments, that nobody really likes you. Hence, nobody toks to you. You gauge comparisions from more popular frens. You wallow in some sort of self-pity, yet you are thinking at the back of yur mind that you know it is self-pity.

self-pity itself is bad and it puts you in a rut and you agree, yet some attempts to disengage that leaves you tired and it dosen't work, so you go back into self-pity, you subsequently get lazy to even think and drown yourself in your self-pity in that lonely parts of your life. You attempt to inject life of some sorts into it with so called laughter. Yet at the back of your mind you always know that self-pity is wrong. And it all basically repeats and it makes you think that nobody likes you and that life is a bore and That MAYBE.. Just MAYBE if you lose all contact with friends and the outside world, you will get pity and with it attention.. If NOT then it proves that you are right and that nobody likes you and you live your life in a decadent state until something interesting crops up.

so you are thus confused and tired to even comprehend the conflicting emotions and it leaves you dejected and angry. This anger translate to self-pity and, as I see it self-pity is like quicksand. The more you tread in it, the deeper you go."

damn right.
(well, i had to spend sometime digestin what he told me.. haha.)

2007-01-13T14:26:00.000+08:00

1 more week till my holiday ends. and my life is STILL in a mess; or pherhap i shld say i dont have life. lolz.

firstly, i sleep at 4am and wake up on 1pm. well that sucks. my mum always scold me for sleepin and wakin up late. i kinda hated it too.

secondly, i would on my comp from the time i wake up to the time i sleep. and its always and forever neopets, and DotA (waarcraft 3). thats more than 12 hours of using comp. haha.. but of cause i got do abit of homework lah.. haha.

thirdly, my meals. i seldom eat breakfast. i bank in more on lunch and dinner. well maybe u guys have the same meals as me. but look at me - so thin liao only eat 2 meals a day.. and thats due to my sleepin habits that has affected my meals. and i hav no muscles on my arms, seriously.. lolz

fourthly, im a very boring person. i only get out and play once a week. no one wants to go out and play with me. its always either sch , work, or not free.. and that only day i get to go out is sunday. to church, that is. pretty sad huh..

so yeah, to get the full view of my everyday life, this is what i do everyday:

i get up at 2pm, on the computer until 3am and then go sleep. my meals are are around 2.30pm and 7.30pm. and the only times i go out and play is sunday. boring life yeah i know..

oh, how i wish someone will come into my life and spice up the way how i lived. hope it would be her.. haha..

in everything i do, for some reason i would always think of her. well, other than god, that is.
even when i cant sleep, i'll be in bed rollin about, thinkin of her. that kind of feelin ive never exprienced before. i dunno why..

*********************************

talk about her; its her bday soon.. ahaha. what shld i giv her leh? i bo luey liao leh.. zzz.. yeah so i decided to make a birthday card specially for her. and i spent the whole of december doin it. yeah, along with the dec activities when im soo shagged. for a sneak preview, this is wad i did:

i personally think the details (eyes, nose, mouth,etc) arent good enough. and thats due to that i did this whole thing in a very short one month. hey, i did the characters in freehand programme, the words in photoshop, and i had a hell time completing it. well, i'd say it couldve been better. but, aiya.. zzz.

and when i printed it out, i realise the dimensions are all wrong. damn, i had to custom make everything - the card AND the envelope. and havin studied typography, i had everything carefully planned, and everything carefully pasted. i told myself if theres even the slightest mistake then im pretty much a gonner. yea i had my expectations damn high.. hahas..

another thing is the texts in the card. the font i used is raged italics. but print out like some arial fonts. damn. the font type makes alot diff u know..

and then the most important thing ive acutally FORGOT. to ask ppl to pen down thier wish to her on the card. shit shit shit.... -.-

but i hope she likes it overall lah.. PS, if u wanna see the actual thing, ask her - thats the one and only card in the world ive made... hehe.

2007-01-01T16:27:00.000+08:00

ahhh.. a brand new year. time to think of new year resolutions.

whatever things bad or good i had experienced for the past year, let it be just another memory of mine. lets look forward to a new begining of the year, a new chapter of life, and expect the unexpected joys and sorrows of life. or probably just another lonely year for me..

new year resolutions for me sounds the same as my birthday wish. heres what i planned to do, and what i also wished for. all these are what i deeply hoped for. nothing materialisc, and i dont even crave for them. i hope god allows them to happen.. lol

- her to get closer to god never than before
- her to be one of the 2nd gen leaders of CCRCC youth ministy.
- her to bring her friend back we've long lost
- her to put god first than any other things
- her to contribute more to the ministry.

- to find acceptance around people.
- to impact other peoples lives
- to be able to fight for the lord
- to be able to contribute to the ministry.

- to do well for my studies
- to be able to juggle well between church and school
- to see her again.

- i wanna go japan to study manga drawings
- i wanna receive presents from my close friends

- the bastard be even more bastard,
the idiot be even more idiotic
the lamer be even more lame
the fatty be even more.. erm.. thin lol

a testimony

2006-12-31T00:31:00.000+08:00

the 2006 CCRCC youth camp we prepared had alot of hic-cups; as in it wasnt well prepared. many, including me felt it this way. there were some important items we forgot to bring, and some acutually thought it was rather unnecesserily. and no one had backup plans when we overlooked the weather those few days. nothing came out as we've planned, and though not the worst, the food sucks. but nevertheless, it still went on quite well.

many blamed the bad weather. initially i wouldve also blamed the same thing. but then again i felt that it was rather a blessing in disguise. many camps i attended were more the kind of competitive sort of camp. it couldve been more fun. but for this time, i could see that there were more bondings amongst the teams. largely because of the rain that made us stay indoors. i could see people begining to open up, as well as people begining to get wackier.

as for my group, although they lost the competition and their morale were pretty low, i could see that none of them were sulking badly. the fellowship in us were greater than being competitive. well something like that. it was great. probably because of me that i had to encourage them when they were low, that they took things positively as possible. and maybe because of our team name, EZ bin, that they took everything as easy as possible.. lol.

best of all was the seminar. its because of the two-night seminar that made me mature alot, both physically and spiritually. and im sure everyone feels the same way. and im also glad that our pastor had choosen the right theme for the camp.

because of this camp, i have never in my life expected that one day i wouldve become a great leader..

************************************

during the first night of wei liang mu shi's seminar, i wrote down some of the highlights.

- you (we) are the chosen ones
- we live in a christian environment, therefore we were made for his purpose
- we are gods child

- we are nothing but tourists of this world.
- we should always stay happy no matter the storm is, because we're his soldiers.
- its not the wolrd that impacted you; its you who impacted the world.
- therefore we are to spread the gospel.

during the second night i wrote down some of the highlights.

- the passport to heaven is through jesus
- god allows the devil to roam until jesus's second coming
- some of the greatest temptations are power & autorithy, wealth, etc
- we can lean on god for the ability to resist them. (well cant exactly remb but this shld be it)

and then there was a calling. every adult in the room prayed for us. and this is my testimonial.

we were asked to stand up if we were to fight for the lord. and so i did. i lowered my head, closed my eyes and my hand held to the bridge of my nose while the speaker sang some songs. suddenly a hand touched my head and i hear a voice praying or me.

all frist, there were goosbumbs all over me. then there was this some kind of undescripable special feeling that made me cry. it wasnt the kind of crying softly - i was really weeping loudly. i cried out all my burdens, my sorrows to the lord. in my mind i was really thinking why cant i stop crying? why is this happening to me?

and then theres this strange numbness all over me. it came from my head first, and then down to my hand and then to the rest of my body. and then i hear another voice praying for me. i wept again. this time louder than before, my body more numb than before. it was unlike anything i had expirenced before.

for the first time in 5 years, i actually cried. and for the first time of my life,i could feel the spirit was really with me. it was undesripable. i thank god for that wonderful experience.

except for that little girl in my group. boy she was kinda trumatised to see people crying, and then faint. i could understand her feelings. it was quite a frightening expirence for me too when i first saw it. and it was my mother then. but as u know lah, i couldnt embrace my arms around her and console her. all i could do is to sit next to her and try to encourage her to be brave.

********************************

later that night after that calling, i thought about her again while i was alone: she should've came. she had missed it. i feel soo sorry for her. what am i doin to do for her? how can i help her?

then, calmness grew over me. as if god has answered my questions, i kinda figured out the answers myself. i recall what the speaker said those two nights and applied it to my situation.

there is a time for everything, and everything happens for a reason. maybe because she left our church for a long interval that her spiritual maturity isnt quite with us yet. maybe because she isnt ready for the calling yet. or maybe because im not doin enough for her yet. or maybe beause of other reasons that she didnt want to come for that evening when i invited her to.

to her if she'd ever read this: rest assured, i havnt forgotten you yet. now i finally know where i stand, and now i finally know what to do, and now im a step more spiritually mature, and all that ive done and i will be doing isnt going to be easy. i will still continue stand by to help you, but please do something to help yourself, if you trully want our help. cause if you dont even wanna help yourself, then no one can help you liao.

2006-12-23T19:50:00.000+08:00

i regretted sending back the tables. she was there. i couldve gone back with her after the carnival clean up. but aiyah, not fated lah - got other chores to do.. but really, i longed to go back with her. it hurts me to she her goin back alone. well lets jus say ive gotta special feelings for her.. hehe :P

a song by luo zhi xiang SPECSHOW album, titled hao peng you (good friends) inspired me to write this.

when i walked past a pizza hut resturant recently, something made me thought of how long ive nvr been to a pizza hut resturant. this triggered a memory of an event where i remembered a time when i actually treated her (a church friend) to pizza sometime early this year.

at that time, what i thought of was jus going out with another friend. well, ive always been out and together with the poly lvl guys in our church. its like we've been together since pri 3 onwards and our bonds were stronger now than ever. except that she left our congregation for a very long period of time. so yeah, jus wanna get to know how shes been doing. auctally we live around the same area and its like i thought her parents moved away ever since she left. anyway,its kinda hard to make herself free and come out and have fun. it seems she's forever busy with homeworks and other things. thats why many times i dare not engage conversation with her - scarly she kenna pissed off with me den dun wan talk to me sia.. okay sidetrack liao - back to story..

i could still remember it was quite a long queue at the TM pizza hut resturant that evening, and its like i dunno what things to talk about loh.. and even throughout the dinner we said nothing. all i asked was like:" hao chi mah?" , i smiled at her and she smile back at me. her smile alone rock my world if only i could gaze at her smile agn... ahhh..

after that she met up with her other friend and the boyfriend to go buy some friends for another friend of theirs. i almost wandered off until she pulled me by the shirt. prob it didnt mean anything for her, but to me it was something significant for me. a start of a relationship? after a while i went home as they continued on. and i was like wtf i didnt say much things to her and i didnt spend much time with her?

now that was something i acutally regretted. that night couldve turn out better. as in like be with her until she reach home loh. it couldve turn out to be a date, but i didnt take the chance. pherhaps i wasnt ready then. until now i still kinda regretted. aiya sianz.. damned.

after that i didnt talk to her for a few months. firstly, i was really busy then. secondly, i didnt know what to say to her after that. she mightve thought shes not my type lol. but still, aiyah.. sianz.. why did i wasted that chance? zzz...

probably because i didnt ask god about it ba? like though i desire for a relationship with her, but i didnt pray to god about it. all i did was keep quiet. but then again, from an observation from my school friends, something made me wonder: is it because of us christians, a religious barrier that we should not have BGR at such an early age, that singapore is suffering from low birth rates? (theres nth dirty mind you, unless you're thinking dirty lol)

*****************************

in my school, my original class was split up during our 2nd semester. now, i kinda like my new class already more than my 1st sem class - its much more interesting. with our 3rd term over, i itched to write this.

a friend who was in "relationship" with another schoolmate. both of the same class. she wept over a failing relationship and sought advice frm her friends. that guy's prob a jerk. to the 3rd parties, it really doesnt looked like they're together. i had to observe more carefully to know whats happening. and one time she asked for my comments about their relationship and what they could do. ive never even been in a relationship before - how could i give her advice about it? well i could lent her a listening ear, and what i could do is to tell her my observations frm around my other friends who are in relationship and also biblically (if i could lol).

but what i really wanna bring the message across is that, you're still young. there are other people you havnt met. what we could do for u is to offer you advices frm what we see what we hear and what we expirienced. to decide wheather to go on or not, you alone ultimately must decide alone.

and this reflected back onto a relationship between me and my church friend. shld i, shld i not? that is a question...

recently i felt that ive been with that school friend more often than usual. is that a sign of breakin of her relationship and a new relationship for me? okay, i frankly admit, she's quite georgeous, and shes the type of girl i liked - long hair, sweet, femine,etc. but to think a step ahead: she lives on the west side and me on the east - that alone's gonna a big problem. then i thought to myself: is it even possible even of that prob is curbed?

well, theres few reasons why i chose not to stay too close to her. firstly, i dont wanna other people mistook we are more of an item than her and her boyfriend (or such things). secondly, if she could salvage her current relationship, id be more happy for her. thirdly, i wanna stay true to my crash. we lived just near each other. if by chance we could be togehter.. thats something i could dream on.. zzzzzzzzz...

so, my schoolmate, if u happened to read this post, im terribly sorry for any misunderstandings. i just havta make clearly on where we stand currently, to think a step ahead of time, and how far our limits can go.

2006-12-12T15:47:00.000+08:00

had been freaking busy this few weeks, and im fustrated enough to write it up here. christian's busiest days of the year is always december. and its pretty true for me. lets see, what events do i have for this december.. oh firstly, we had the carnival, and then we're gonna have christmas events and then our youth camp towards the end of december.

since sec 2 whenever my friends and i were given the task to desgin a banner or smt for the church, im always the one who bao ka liao. yeah, bring home and do, all the way to the next morning. theres even a time where i hated gwen. not personally hate. jus that the pastor choose the wrong guy to help me. what she did was minimial - pherhpas not even minimial.. until now, i daresay she really suck at design. never again will i work with her. well unless she could prove me wrong somehow, but i doubt so.. matt is better than her, for now. but shes not that really bad; i mean, she too did contributed to the church. such as? well, shes good at singing, chinese, and pretty loud, i guess. lol. that is really great, acutally (as long as she dont desgin). ;)

okay, back to the carnival. to me, money making wasnt my main piority. its the planning process that i enjoyed most. like where we get together as a group and really brainstorm for ideas - discussion and everything. but in this case, no. in my group, 4 out of 7 people were having exams at that time - As & Os. and so i didnt touch them. but what happened to the rest? 2 weeks past just like that and we didnt even meet up.
as part of the leader of the group, with no major exams, of course i had to do something. im soo tied down to homeworks, already owed lects a number of homeworks,i realyl dont have the time to realy sit down and think of an original game plan. the first thing that came to my mind was foosball, and i immediatly run around contacting the relavent people. thats how the foosball proposal came about. heh, so much time for so busy person..

on the eve of the carnival, i had school that day, it ended at 5.30om. ive reminded them upteen times beforehand, my dads transporting the tables ONLY after 7pm. i had my own resons. from 5.30pm, it took me 45 mins to get back home, and dont i have to eat dinner too? and did they heed what i said? NO. instead, they pester me when im going home. all the way to ding xuans house around 7.30pm. how many calls, how mnay smses? im already fustrated at it and my dads was angry and blamed me for not managing time well. troubled by it and being too impatient, i accidentaly scratched kai xuans face while we were loading the ping pong tables up. there was even a traffic jam at the city area. we reached St Andrews Cathedral by 8.30pm. and then we had to go all the way to Ang Mo Kio to get the foosball table. u think its easy to carry a foosball table? it weighs 4 times more than a ping pong table. we had to divide the table into 4 halfs and send it down frm the 9th story of a HBD flat and then load it up. all this took some time. we did as fast as we could, like race agaisnt time. as i had predicted earlier, we wouldve fishished transporting everything by about 10.30pm. but could they even wait? NO. they pestered me even whem we're loading the foosball tables. and my dad didnt even had his dinner yet. if u were me, dont u find it IRRITATING?

after everythings done, we (kai/ding xuan, ben, ray, me)went matts house for pullover. for my group, we had to get the banner up asap as ding xuan said. they played basketball while im working on it, modifying the idea. when they came up he told me to change my design. having studied typography and doing it for 1 hr, how would u feel if u were me? so i told him to do draw the text while i play dota to distress myself a while. 15 mins later, he completed it. now everyones going to sleep. WHAT THE HECK. i couldve criticised the words he drew were more awful than mine. i told him i'll color tat after i finish my game. but could they even wait a while? its not like im playin with human players which will really take a long long time. im playin AIs, mind you. and then they asked me to faster quit. wa lao 3am only loh. if camp they couldve stay up all night why chouldnt they do it then? afriad they cant wake up on time? excuse lah.. i stayed up all the way until 5.30am and i still woke up on time. and whos the late one? MATT -.-

and i slept like 2 hours only. as the carnival was about to start, i havnt done 3 weeks of homework yet.. (to be continued)

***************************

okay, we were late - all because of one idiot's fault. nvm that; we still got half an hour to set up our stalls. my group's suppose to be there. 4 out of 7 (from my grp) came (including me). it was ike soo last minute that we had to scrapped off our 2nd game, which was the soccer bowling thingy - the fifth and the next most impotant guy came late. we, the leaders were busy setting up stalls. the other guy jus hang around and slack. didnt even ask what he could do. its kinda like u needa do some scriptings to make it move. i wasnt anygry with him. least he helped out abit. but one of the thing that made me angry was the banner. WHY DIDNT HE PUT UP THE BANNER I SPENT 5 HOURS WORKING ON IT, UP?

AND WHERE WAS GWEN? helping out other people thorughout the carnival? jus because we came a while later, that doesnt give her the right to leave our group. for us, manpower the most crucial thing. now, we're down to 3 men, 1 stall: 2 tables, and a coupon booth. i just feel that me and ding xuan did most of the work. and she, HAVING FUN?

truthfully speaking, I DIDNT HAD ANY MUCH FUN AT ALL. all i bought was a longan jelly from the carnival. and i only spent like some 5 mins interval walking around talking to nearby stallholders (other game grps of our church) other than that im always busy. prob the only thing that kept me going was the foosball table itself - one chance in a lifetime to train for free. hehe.

yeah by the time the carnival ended around 4pm we were like soo wear out already. spent another hour cleaning the area, somewhat like beach cleaning lol. and then had to send the foosball and ping pong tables back.

thats something i kinda regretted. why? next post.. ;)

2006-11-21T21:08:00.000+08:00

i dont share what ive shared here even with my church friends, let alone my school friends. like u know them, everytime something is said, a very suan reply shoots back. sometimes when i reveal the true emo me, but they thought i wasnt quite the usual me. no use arguing, i might as well bottle it up. what would they know? NOTHING. all they do is to lame around. i mean, its very hard to pour out the sorrows, for they're forever making joke out of everything. i doubt they could really understand how i feel, although their mouth says so. its easier to follow through what we always do than finding out new things like tellin out and being mocked. nobody likes that feeling.

as the pastor onced quoted frm the bible, "if u love god, u must first love your brothers."

does the 'love' only meant laming around together? no. jus as having a girlfriend or a boyfriend, if u love him/her, u must first understand him/her first. likewise, if you dont understand me in the first place, there wont be any 'love' between us. everybody would be at the shallow 'friend friend' relationship level, where we only get together to chat about WoW, dota, maple, etc. well i dun force people anyway if thats what they are, let them be.

ive tried to 'love my brothers" before, and im still doin it now. like whomever my friends need help, i would always try to help them whenever, however i can. u can vouch me for that right? lol. but the real question is, how many of them really treated me as a true brother? even my small bro dun really treat me as his older brother. so its kinda hard to like him. (hey im still trying. my own bro afterall lol). but really, the old things gotta make way for new stuffs - if u could even move it..

and then i turned my attention to that 'ohh-so-special' girl. to 'love yur bros' not jus meant only brother brother right? sometime i feel.. arrgghhh!! soo hard to interact with her. i do not know how is she really, but i feel that shes almost similiar to me, where she also bottle things up and spends time only with her best friend, like i always spent time with Ray (RIGHT THATS YOU) and only he knows me like my mum, inside and out.

and to my school friends. there are even people who walk pass me and didnt realized i exist in the first place. that hurts. its like i wanna greet you and u just pretend im a spirit u cant see me and continue wad you're doing. pretty sad.. i hate my life.. even until now..

haaizz.. wad to do? continue to exist loh sian..

2006-11-21T19:07:00.000+08:00

i remember an inccident during my last primary sch years. at one time i used to go downstairs coffeeshop buy lunch for my mum every saturday, and i would always patronize the same stall. that day, there were two ladies serving, with quite a long queue beside. one was a tall young lady much older than me, the other was the mother. the younger lady wore a rather revealing clothes back then.

waitin to be serve was rather boring at that time for me. there isnt anything to do while the long wait except to see what others were doing loh. so coincidentally i was lookin at the direction of that young lady, she was scooping rice unto the plate. but i got an unexpected response frm her. she was so pissed that i was lookin in her direction that she actually scolded me - in front of the others who were queueing before and after me. being scolded infront of others was really embarassing for me.

it was kinda like a small turning point for me. i had developed a phobia of not looking at my female friends.. sometimes i feel remorse about it. whenever i looked at girls, which any other normal guys would do, i always get a feeling that i will slapped at the face by them. moreover there were other factors that made me cant really express myself infront of others. pretty much a psycological barrier huh.. but of course im straight like any other guys lah!

and then i remembered when i was sec3 one of my schoolmate was acutally started dating another girl already.. it was at that point that made me wonder: is that the right time for romance in todays modern society?

after i graduated, i went to NAFA over at waterloo street, near bugis. between my school and bugis mrt station there is a stretch of road i had to walk pass. everyday when i walk pass that junction, i see many couples about my age, or even younger, holding hands while strolling together. often i ponder the same question as ive always wondered whenever i walked by: when will my turn come?

2006-11-04T17:08:00.000+08:00

i remember a period of time when i was a pesky brat in church.. infamous young child heh.. like i said, for some reasons, i make fun of the songs we sang, i talked and laughed when we pray, i ran away when its time for our sunday school class. there were 1 or 2 others similiar of me, but not as pai kia as me haha.

then my big aunt came to our church with my cousin. from then on, we were damn brother. we get into trouble together, we laugh together, we lame together. well, u know wad i meant. ;)

but his mum didnt like me. in fact i could tell she really hated me then. why? . everytime we go m'sia togeter (as 2 families) i havta stay in my 2nd aunts home(somewhere in the countryside and theres nth to do there), not my small uncles home, where theres my 4 younger female cousins, i can play all day long. and then my 'brother' gets to stay there. SO BIAS. well that sucks, always she the one making all the woah-so-big decisions.

anyway, i went on being the rowdy me until my PSLEs. laming around and treating the world as a joke. until one day, my big aunt really think ive become real hopeless. everyime compares me with her son - academic results. im not as good as my cousin academically loh.. and she thinks i cannot become the guai kia liao.. beyond redemtion.. lol.

well actually that WAS my turning point. so i prayed to the lord, "Lord, i wanna be a better person. help me get good results. so that my big aunt wont despise me."

hey he really does miricles man. until ive reach sec1, somehow i become guai kia. i didnt do any funny things in my new environment in church. probably because someone treated me as an adult; "be nice to me, i'll be nice to u" kinda stuff.

but not only i became guai kia - ive also became a rather shy person. why? because back then i also despise my old self and i didnt know what other people would think of me then.

my lame-power kinda greatly reduce, or probably the aura has passed to my 'brother' lol. its like i suddenly dunno when to joke, and im serious most of the time. but of course behind the scenes i do joke abit lol.

until now, i dont really know how to express myself. and my church people aways (i repeat AWAYS) overlooked what i had to say concerning a particular matter. and im always one of those who could give the best advises (its my main traits).

it hurts alot. people shone away from me as if i got diseases or someting. i dont know who are my real friends even when im in church. and they always come to me ONLY when they need my help. but has anyone ever asked about my day or how i am now? NO. i add people on msn. and people add my contact to thiers. i wonder whats the point of keeping mine. i mean, im always the one engaging converstations, not like any other people who feels like talking to me. i have 50 over contacts but none of them talked to me (including my church friends). i feel bored and lonely. my computer is the only thing that keeps me going. i may go mad soon.

because of this reason ive gone alot quieter during my upper sec years and until now. heck this. i always feel jealous about other peoples blog, where their freinds do reply on the chatbox. but when i tell mine to my friends, none. NONE of them reply. for 11 months (thats why i deleted my old blog and created something different). is it because of me? they hated me? i wonder...

nobody wants to share with me; ive yet to find my real friends yet.. people come, people go. they know my existent but they refuse find about me.

this is the real me. ive autally wept secretly because of these problems. if uve even bother to read this, i really appriciate your time. but i dont need yur sympathy. none gave me the care and concern i need away. why shld you?

2006-11-01T18:45:00.000+08:00

once when i was in my first year in my primary school, there's this particular girl with specs in my class. with one look at her i thought to myself: nah, she'll grow up to be another nerd i know.. if i could stil remember vividly, her mum came to our church when we were about primary 3 or 4. and so, she was im my sunday school class, along with her best friend, another girl of course.

i was really a spoiled brat then. haha terrible me - making fun of everything, runing around in church, escaping from reading the 'golden verses' which i at that time hate to memorise; basically making a fool of myself and making people laugh (i shall write about it some other time)...

anyway, after a year or so, she didnt come to church. neither did her friend came. we sorta like lost contact for a very long period of time. i guess she and her friend must've really hated me then.. hahaz. anyway, i didnt care much less anyway i went on 'merry making' and 'pontaning churh'. life goes on.

of course, i matured alot over the year. when i was around sec 2 or 3, my church pastor, slvester, somehow asked her, that same girl that left the church years ago, to come back again.

when i met her again, at first i couldnt recognise her as the same person i knew before. i was astonished. she, a totally different person; from a nerd i thought she'd grew up to be, to a really really really beautiful girl. extreme makeover huh. she doesnt wear glasses now lol.

she has now changed my mindset. i wanna get close to her, i wanna know her more.
but as u know lah~ im rather a shy person now lol. i dont really know how to express myself infront of people, im more comfortable expressing over the msn where people wouldnt see me. sadly whenever i tied to engage a converstation with her over the msn, she doesnt seem interested in replying me. i dont mind really, probably because she has alot of work to do.

recently, i asked her if she's ready to do things for the lord. and she told me her problems instead. now putting love aside, i'd wish to help her to regain her faith back, so that she would get her friend back to the lord. but the problem is that i dont know how and where to start helping her. what i fear now is that the more i try to help her, the more she will try to avoid me by all means. of course, i wouldnt want that to happen. and everytime i chat with her, i get the feeling that she is tryin to avoid me. if i had did something wrong to her before, id rather take the chance to say apologise to her here, and now. (u know me.. lol)

the pastor once said," one man, one fish"
i thought to myself: if an escaped fish is caught again, is it still considered as one man one fish?

i hope one day, she would regain her faith, and be able to catch a fish. =)

My Family Tree.

2006-10-31T15:47:00.000+08:00

i have a huge famliy tree. i remember once my mum told me, i had 2 paternal grandad, 2 grandma, 2 maternal grandfather and 3 grandmother. with a family tree that huge comes with a very long story. interesting huh..

okay, heres the breakdown. my true maternal grandfrather came from china and settled down in malaysia with his wife (1st grandma). i have never met her before - she passed away waay before my mum was born. then he remarried another woman - my 2nd grandma. he also had a brother who now settled in taiwan (i also never met before i think only my big aunt met)

according to my mother, my second grandma gave birth to 4 daugthers and 5 brothers (i think). and my mum, being the 3rd daughter. so you're probably wondering, where the 3rd grandma came from. back then, my true grandma had a sister who had married to another man (2nd maternal grandpa) and has settled in another part of malaysia, had not as much children as her older sister. so my true grandma, being the older sister gave her 3rd daughter (thats my mum) to her younger sister.

now back to the 4 daughters 5 brothers. of course, the 4 daughter are my aunts - big aunt, 2nd aunt, my mum, and small aunt.

my big aunt, who accompanied my mother to singapore to work, now has a son, who i am proud to say, is now in my church. we're cousin afterall heh.. not many people knew that theres a connection between us.
my 2nd aunt, who now works as a tools & material supplier, has 2 sons and 2 daughters (all older than me). i could tell you, that her home is like a country-side and the home space is about 2.5 soccer fields big and my family goes to her house whenever we visit our relatives.
my last aunt, has 4 daugthers. all younger than me and lives in JB.

and then to the 5 brothers who are now my uncles. actually im not really close with my uncles, so i can only relate my expirences with my uncles.
another uncle of mine (the oldest i guess) passed away few years ago.
one of my uncle, lives in a seclusive mansion-sort of house. 3 stories high, with 10+ rooms.
yet another uncle whom is still a bachelor, i not close to him so i dunno wad to say about it.
another uncle whom i am the closest to (i think is the youngest) has 4 daughters. all younger than me. the oldest one whom in my opinion, is quite pretty. the rest are like little buggers.. lol

so up to now, i have 13 cousins from my true grandma side. this is only a quarter of the story. now, to my 3rd grandmother. she has 3 daughters (including my mum), and 1 son (i think).im not really clsoe to them but we do visit them sometimes. and then, the 3 daughters are the next set of my aunts.

my 2nd big aunt whom also came to singapore to work, now has a daughter. two of them are happly living somewhere in tampines lol.
my 2nd small aunt, has 2 daughters. much younger than me.
and then my uncle, has a son and a daughter. theyve got singapore PR and the sons gonna serve NS soon.

so on my 2nd grandma side i have 5 cousins. that adds up to 18 cousin. of course i do have other relatives (who are elders of my mother) and other cousins. another two, whom ive met, and pherhaps more, i dont know.

okay, half story told. now, to my parternal side.
according to my mum, my 2 paternal grandmothers were sisters, as well. they both married to different man. and my paternal grandfathers, ive never seen them as well.
the older sister is my true grandmother. she had 4 duaghters, and 1 son (thats my dad alright ;) ). again, the 4 duaghters are my aunts. all of them are still livin somewhere in singapore, not gonna tell you.

my big aunt, has 2 sons and a younger daughter. all older than me of course.
my 2nd aunt, childess and still livin in a couples world i guess.. lol
my 3rd aunt, 2 daughters. shes the one my dad's the closest with.
my 4th aunt whom also livin in tampinese and attends the same church, yet the least closest of all my aunts. she has 2 working sons.

my true grandma passed away when i was very young. while my 2nd grandma, childess i think. so on my paternal side, i have 7 cousins there. and also of course, i have other 3 cousins whom i rarely meet. and prob other cousins whom i never knew exists.

so now, i have 30 cousins i know on both sides. and now for the fourth part.

i myself first reached the 'uncle' rank when im around 13 years old. thats when one of my older cousins had thier first child. talk about being old when yur young lol.. so there u have it, my family tree.

Serene Memories

2006-10-26T02:26:00.000+08:00

I love my blog.
I update as and when i like.
Entries that doesnt have titles.
Entries that doesnt have pictures.
From my childhood to my schooling life.
Secrets i never told.
Dreams i never shared.
Things that i did in the past.
Be it good,
Be it bad.
I pen what i can remember.
My expirences. my thoughts. my desire.
But never will it be in chronological order.
If only you keep it between ourselves.

And then my story begins with my family tree..